Until something went terribly wrong, I hardly record anything.

I bought a fingernail clipper and Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy today in Waitrose. The cashier was the pretty girl my friend was so much fond of last year. I would really like to court for her, christ. But I don't want to bother because I am too selfish to give time to anyone right now. Though I am goddamn stress I think I dont need someone to sleep with and love to relax now, (God How can I say this.), I am afraid of too much trouble. So that's it.  Though intentionally I try to evade a heavy topic, it's obvious the most vital part now.

My plan
Finish my personal statement this week. finish HK PS by 20/10/2012

Sociology
Finish the Sociology unit three textbooks all chapters this week, finish the essay by Wednesday
Start reading extra Sociology reading material
Finish by the end of November
Runaway World

Globalization and Its Discontents

Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Survive: How Societies Choose to Fail or Suc... 

Ill Fares The Land: A Treatise On Our Present Discontents 

History
Set up History Essay A and B title by friday and finish reading by friday. Finish the essay by the end of october. 1500 words each. Long term and short term
Going to the Fitzwilliam Museum by October
Go the do the research in central library

Politics
Start practicing Politics Unit 3 past-papers.

Governing Britain Since 1945

The Cameron-Clegg Government: Coalition Politics in an Age of Austerity 

British Politics

Oxbridge Application
Finish my personal statement this week. finish HK PS by 20/10/2012
"In Defence of History" and "John Lanchester" and "Pablo Piscasso and Spanish Civil War" reading should be finished by the end of october
Select Economist every week

It has been a long time I haven't updated here. (Simply because I was having a nice time that there's no up and down during the summer, to my bliss.)

I don't want to record much about academic stuff here, but it's really important that the phantom of it has long preoccupied my mind.

I should have no burden now, all, I hope is, with my effort and result, (though I think I could have done much better.), an interview from either Oxford or Cambridge. This officially approves my effort and intelligence and will be the best consolation to my brother, parents, and myself. This means a lot to me. Then I can do my best, make the best use of my knowledge and intelligence to compete with the other candidates, and receive, honorably the judgement from the people with far more wisdom than me. That's what I hope now. 

Humiliation

An unexpected dine-out carried an unexpected news.

Each time when I desire to pour out my emotion and translate into words there is the brake resistance , since internally I am ashamed of unraveling my emotion in any form, including to a private diary. The thought of being contempted by myself after years halted me the way of recording my feelings. 

After learning this, my desire to get into Oxbridge grows more feverish. It is not healthy but I cant help it. 

The day before History.

The impetus of writing this daily stemmed the recall from future. Tomorrow morning will be the most difficult and important examination in my life; I am sure after many years when I read this again this must sound incredibly ridiculous. But I still have to say, tomorrow is an important and difficult day. For the very first time I persuade myself to be calm and confident. I've done everything I possibly can. 

Then wait and watch; No shame and no stigma. 

I wonder what will the question be; even I am equipped

to fight against this horrendous abysm

This is my last words, god bless me;

Pray sincerely am I now to-morrow will be the way of washing off the shame

Instead of walking toward another failure

just as what I have been doing for eighteen years

t'is poetic babbling I've just puzzled out was my first poem I write after

the trial of torment of literature lesson. 

Courage and dignity I wish I could, 

regardless of the result, shall be ours. 

Yet t'is no life. Respect from victory.

Again, God bless me. 

You work too hard.

I did not smoke today.

Mark made fun of me by saying you are one of few students I've met who work too hard. I said to me, you must be kidding. There's no such thing, for me, of working too hard. Meantime, a subtle sadness came across, if I were clever, why would I work like now? - NO If I could have a better guidance and education in infancy, I could have gone to party and still done well. But I can not. I am mediocre. Diligence is the pill for mediocre and, poor. If now I find a way, why not take it on? Even Cambridge, in reality, every day on the way school, I have no expectation or dream about the badge on the brown wall and knew it would be a pipe dream, I still sometimes, allow me, envisaged a chance. okay? 

I must give up smoking.

After almost two months of hard-work (It could still be better) I suddenly remember I've got a diary. Though I don't have much to say at this moment, I still want to write a few words about the flying weeks and months. I am happy about my growth and improvement in my self-control, to be sure, I can still be better. Until now I still rely on cigarette to de-stress myself, which was not a very good idea. I felt in this week, my health is deteriorating. I should drop it from this moment. Good luck on my exam. As usual when writing this diary, it is at the midnight that I feel rather drowsy so I cant write too much, my brain just isn't working. Good luck on my exam. May God bless me, if there is any. 

Stupid dream after all.

The exam is just a month ahead.

Tonight when I found out that I could not remember the poems I revised, all the poems I have spent loads of time to make and revise, the effort was in vain. I am simply too stupid to remember things, what is more, I found myself ridiculous, gosh, how come did I even dare to think of reading law, didn't I, you know, too self-assertive. Tonight I wake up from my dream, my unrealistic dream. I don't even think I would have a chance to secure three A star.

fourth of april.

Today my brain seemed not working I guess it must be the incessant exhaustion engendered in these few days. I am very unsatisfied with the progress I made.

In the evening I lost my focus for half an hour. I was depressed and frustrated and frightened. I imagined the happiness when gaining the admission to Cambridge, and the smiles from my parents. I blamed none but myself, for my incapability of studying well, my lack of intelligence. Whereas, the notion that my parents are working damn work and spending all their money on a not very clever son, plunged me into a very depressing and perplexing situation, positively speaking, this notion helps he press ahead, with a belief that one day I can prove to the people who despise me and my parents that their perception to us are nonsense. Only when I encourage myself thinking of this way, I regained the power to carry on my work.

I don't know what more I can say. Loads of work waiting for me tomorrow. Good luck and never give up.

A robot heart.

I am happy about the progress I made in these few days, but I am not satisfied (well I cannot be contented sadly.) I am now writing three essays a day and I hope I will be able to produce four. I feel myself a machine, producing amount of essays every day and consider eating and drinking the fuels to maintain my brain working properly. There is not a ouse of complacency in my heart, as I said, I will do everything I can to strive for a straight A Star result in AS. I am afraid also, at the same time, that, I will fail, but with my effort I believe I will make it.

The guilt sprout in my heart, after texting with Tamar. She is a really good person that she told me she wished everyone would do well in the upcoming exam. I rejoined the same thing she said - But did I mean it? anyway, I was moved by her kindness and therefore, promised to send her my politics revision notes to her. I am really depressed with my selfishness whilst clearly remembering my words in March that I wish we could get a altogether. There is indeed a long way to go, Ka Shek, to make yourself, a more rounded creature. Work hard.

Imagined Happiness.

I imagine the happiness whilst receiving a straight A AS report in August, this is what driving me to work every day, crazily. For what? For sense, no regret and washing off the shame and disgrace upon my parents and myself given our snobbery surroundings. For sensibility, for the future, for a better life, not only for myself, but my parents as well. It deserves a holiday, mentally imprison myself into studies. I will do it I know. University of Cambridge, I am not rich and clever, but I shall try my best to be at least eligible to challenge you. We will wait and watch.

the reality is coming.

After going through the application form of Summerbridge today, I've figured out I was far too optimistic about my career. The chance of getting a stable job is minuscule.

The stress and strain occupied my mind and I think the road ahead of me is rocky and spiky. I have to reconsider the the impossible mission of going to Cambridge, which is the only safeguard to make a stable living and support my parents. It is hard, Ka Shek, but you must do everything you can and work as hard as you can to make sure you will at least be eligible for it...

It is time to begin the game.

I was defeated today.

I have spent most of my time on constructing a plan to defeat all my schoolmates in all the subjects. It was unlucky today but that should not be an excuse. I was late, but it will not change the fact that I can not outrank that russian girl today. No rush Ka Shek, you have to break the verdict and fate give by your father - you did once by luck. Now you have to continue.

Wash off the disgrace and despise.

The main reason why I like very much writing a diary, owned much to the my discretion to people. My surroundings, now are fraught with the people who do everything in the interest of themselves in the very first place. I have exhausted my words on the snobbery and sophistication they shown during these days. Judge one's by virtues please.

That's why I enjoy writing private diary. I can say everything I want to say. I don't have to be mindful of the others - well, I do have one or two good friends. They are good people. I enjoy talking to them as well. My identity is anonymous and unknown to the people who may incidentally browse through my diary. They are perhaps the most profound of my feelings and thought that could be possibly written and expressed by voices and words - well sometimes I prefer silence. In Muriel Spark's novel The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, she said "Speech is silver and silence is gold."I neither agree nor disagree to that, I just prefer to a more subtle way to live in front of people but the diary allows me to be unsubtle, perhaps in front of nought but blankness. Silence is a form of language. Meaningful words are language, and vice versa are noise. I hate noise.

Today I wasn't well and had a bit of blistering headache. Hideous as it was, I took a nap after school and woke up almost nine o'clock and didn't get much thing done. I start writing a revision notes on Politics and will continue it tomorrow. The first line of the notes are genuinely the reason driving me to Cambridge. "This is the last and first hurdle to Cambridge, because you simply can not afford to miss any one of those. Cherish the chance and wash off the disgrace and despise upon your parents from your surroundings. Prove that Ng Ka Shek can do better than they think." Again, I have to reiterate that I am never a clever person, I am mediocre student who seeks a peaceful and respectable and dignified place in this tumultuous world. His only wish is to help a lot of people - who deserve to be helped - as I can. But does everyone deserve to be helped? Would it be possible for us to enlighten everyone's seed of kindness hidden in their heart, if there's still any. Yes, there is, there is always heaven and hell in one's heart. We shall continue this topic next time.

Now work hard and good night:)

Easter Plan.

The exam in May will be the first hurdle in my life and final hurdle in AS. Therefore, I've constructed a plan to do everything I can, to achieve the best result.

Thank to the luck in the previous exam - thank you, I am now in a relatively privileged position. But I don't have one ounce of complacency - life goes on. The target is pure and clear: I must meet that. My classmates are staring at my back - my instinct told me that N is working around the clock right now - I know I am not as clever as she is - the last triumph was lucky. What I am going to do, is to do everything I possibly can to defeat her again and defend the fame and reputation of my parents. I will not allow my parents being jeered and looked down upon. The people who despised my parents will know that Ng Ka Shek is literally not that stupid - Well, he is not clever, I have to admit that. But he lives with dignity.

The Easter plan have been made. Thank you, I am grateful for everything what everyone does for me. It will be hard. Well, no one ever says it is easy after all; I will do it. Cambridge an illusion though, I will endeavor to at least be eligible for your interview. I know it sounds overbearing. We will wait and watch.

Please Judge a person not by one's beauty or intelligence but heart and virtues..

I phoned my father today, reminding him of the school fees.

I browsed through her picture moment ago, I can not understand how she could perform hypocrisy so real. No, perhaps I should not put it as hypocrisy, they are only survival skills. I should not feel a damn sick about it, because that's norm of the society.

I have to say, I simply cannot agree to her survival skills, okay? Of course it is her choice, but, forgive my cliche, we should not judge a person by how clever he or she is, but how kind and benevolent his or her heart is, and what values does he hold. That's what we should care about. I think I am not being double standard, well, I do read one's appearance. I believe that one's face tells us about his soul. But I will jump to the conclusion by his appearance only, since misjudgment is possible. I keep notice of her actions, her words, her behaviour. If she has good nature, I will not be wavered in leading her to the right way.

My father is right, we are the minority probably on this planet. The world will be better if we can treat everyone with our heart. Judging people by appearance, race, nation, culture, complexion and intelligence always leads us to misjudgment. It is not fair to the others, it is not fair of your heart.

Respect for virtues, not vocation.

I fancy a real practice of the sayings from James Stewart:"you should be kind to every person you meet." How brilliant would it be if it can be literally taken place. The thing is, at least, today I realized the only capability won me over respect and admiration. Don't misunderstand my meaning, I don't like these thought at all. I hope everyone can treat everyone kindly at the beginning, out of kindness and, well, courtesy. Because I really, don't agree to the idea that career and capacity are the only yardstick to judge a person, instead we should judge a person by his substance. Is he/she willing to help the others, is she responsible? That's what I care about. Of course I will not deny the fact that, appearance was the significant thing giving one's first impression. I am certainly affected by it. What I often reminded myself that I should understand further a person soul, that's should be the basis of our friends selection. That Russian girl shows unprecedented respect to me, I didn't feel really happy. to be frank, I will not put it as hypocrisy, one can argue that it is natural law and survival skills. But I truly believed that the world will be better if we can judge a person by not only his career and capability, but mainly his dignity and virtues. That's what we should do.

If we can get a good grade altogether.

I always think - I am just a mediocre stupid boring twerp who needs to work damn hard to fright for a hope of achieving good result even there is only a fat chance. Self-perception of myself is crap. The Politics result released today came to my entire surprise - I was not stupefied but shout and scream and running in the corridor, - I got almost full marks. 98%.

Well it hasn't changed much though, life goes on, and life is about difficult decision whatsoever, just as David Cameron said in PMQs yesterday. I was just lucky, I rejoined - whilst my friends congratulate me. At least I know I am not a complete crap. I can do something. But I don't have one ounce of complacency in my heart frankly speaking, though I told my parents that, I had defeated that extremely clever Russian girl N. I don't even feel happy about the fact that she was upset and disappointed at her result. Now, you know what? I wish we could get A together, yes altogether. I felt a bit sad when I saw her disappointed appearance. I am sure she will do well next time. and for me? Well, I got a piece of luck, so? life goes on and I will work harder, That's all. If everyone is happy about their result, I think I will be happier - and more worried about myself. I have to repeat again - I am just lucky. I will work hard.

The weather today was usually, good. It is a beautiful day.

About Hoi Yee Lau and Celine.

I wish she knew that I have never forgotten the picture she gave me. Most of the memories fade and fizzle out eventually along the river of time. What left on the shore of age, are the fragment of dialogues, images, and staccato words. They are imperfect, but special. What makes them special is perhaps our subconscious cling to the past, they might change your view on the world, or they can be just some trivial gossips and illogical stuff.

I really want to tell her that I’ve never forgotten about the past we spent together. Even I made a couple of girl friends after we bickered, your images, your mischievous smile and character, sporadically crossing my mind. After watching Before sunrise, Celine was reminiscent me of you. I wish I had someone like Celine in my life, and I think I did. You are the shadow of her, and left me with the shadow.

Eager for echo.

I often wish, one day, when I stop at the corner in Paris, Vienna or Prague, I would meet a girl who is clever, who has connection with my mind, who is rebellious, and sometimes, mild and cute. I will buy her a cocktail or cup of coffee, sitting along the . We would have an endless conversation about Sartre, Nietzsche, Van Hugh, Picasso, and wine, and life all day long.

Am I looking for sex? That might sounds shallow, though the very end of relationship between male and female always wind up with sex. But for me, I think, I am more of looking for a girl who have connection mentally, spiritually with individualistic character. Some one who understand and listen to me, and what's more, have echo and response to my mind.

the light up college at night.

English Literature is an essential subject to go to Law. I am not doing well in this subject now. I found difficult in expressing myself in a clear and concise way.

I have to admit that I am not particular interested in law just as history, but I think I will enjoy it immensely because it is a subject requires much logical thinking. I love logically thinking, keep questioning myself the fundamental values I convicted for years. Law gives me more choices in finding jobs, that's no doubt about it. Money is important, I do want my parents have a better life. If I failed to gain the admission from HKU, my father would need to sell his only property to support my university fees in england. Christ, I don't want to see that. If you can hear me, though I dont know who you are, just someone who arrange my fate, you must know that no matter what jobs I will have, I would like to make the others have better life at heart. Well, perhaps the university professors are not going to believe what I say, yet that's what I hold at heart. Being a lawyer can help the poor a lot. I am just a lucky one with mediocre mind, who receive a unrequited love and support from my parents. I know that. I wish, and I will try to make best of this chance.

It has not been the end of the game... It is just March, I still got a chance... Ka Shek... remember the light up college at night? remember how hard your parents work?

Silly dreams.

I had a string of horrendous dream last night. They are fragmented and faded on the spot after waking up (Why is that case? Interesting, isn't it?) With a very vague impression I was being chased after by a murderer in a building. The second one which I can remember was that CC had married to a rich guy. Silly dream.

I found I've lost that flame, driving me forward to do better. I will try to do better. :) Cambridge.

Unexpected stranger and riddle.

Today was a simple drizzling day in a middle of February, just as the another weekday I cycle to school in the morning, until I received a sms from my friend. She hasn't been school for three days. Seriously ill. She asked me to buy medicine for her, I was about to go for my politics lesson, well, to be frank,I thought being late for minutes would not be a big deal therefore I went to pharmacy boot to get the medicine "lemin" for her first, and then went to school.

Nothing special, I frowned at the teacher just as usual in the lesson - a very misleading byword for hundred percent of focusing which last week aroused the misunderstanding from my grumpy english literature teacher. After three hours of lesson I alone walked at a slow pace, I had yet to have lunch; I put on my earphone and turned on the BBC philosophy Dao Zhi podcast, walking toward the fence along Bateman Street where I locked my bike. Whilst I was about to unlock it, I bent down and threw a brief glanced upon a girl walking in direction of my side. I didn't pay much heed to it, I would say it was more a reflection than intention - that's my habit when unlocking the bike. I then carried my way with my bike, pondering if I should go to Barber to have a hair cut- I was struggling with the financial problem. The void of my stomache relentlessly reminded me of lunch - it was 215. On contemplating those string of problem and listening to BBC and carry my bike, the girl, stopped and said hello to me. At that time I still didn't have a clear picture of her appearance strangely. She asked me about the locus of the main building of University of Cambridge - it really called me in question - as far as I know there is no such thing like the headquarters of university of cambridge!? I then asked her if you have been King's college to conceal my ignorance. She said no. It leaded me to point out the direction of King's College. I originally thought of bring her to Trumpington street and then let go, however, something was driving me forward. This is not something related to her youth and prettiness, but perhaps her traits I devoid of, she was very extrovert. what was more, I did feel pretty comfortable of being with her. Then I told her well, virtually I could give you a tour. That was how our strange journey began.

Her name is Bella. Her father is vietnamese and mother is french and Bella was born in Hong Kong, lived in Canada and educated in England, well a rather long list. Interesting person. I shown her some must go, stock visiting points in Cambridge like some of the most famous colleges. I just walked around with her all afternoon, then emptiness from my stomach start sprawling through my brain, I was too hungry that I was swoon, then I asked her if you wanted something to eat. We went to a vietnamese restaurant yet it was closed, then we got into a french bistro. The waitress was in bad mood like the weather outside. Terrible fete. We ordered a couple of beers, Hoegarrden and Kronenbourg 1664. They were both good. Petit plates with different kinds of goat cheese, and liver!? with fairly well-made bread, and pasta. I had a clear picture of her face since the moment we sat in the restaurant. You will understand I prefer details in my brain rather than in words.

We had a nice chat. She was obviously a very ambitious and independent lady. I fancy that. After seeing her off in the train station she politely said thank you and gave me a hug. Well I remember still the feeling of that. The thing is, I found her so interesting, and she is appealing, nothing related to sex or love, but seems some character I am lacked of. I wish I could know more about her. Her images riddled with my brain whole night, even as I was taking a shower. Interesting, very interesting. I know after twenty years, it will be ridiculous about what I write today, but that's absolutely fine, I just want to record such a interesting day in a drizzling February, as a unexpected and total stranger met a Canadian girl who alone visiting Cambridge on the street, and gave her an tour. By chance or accident I don't know, but fate seems to be a game of riddle, you never know the answer, it could be dramatic and depressing and its charm is that the answer often unveiled in a simple, drizzling, overcast day.

No more boom and bust.

The limitation of my intelligence, stabbing my heart. This is very plain.

Only when the true words reflecting the reality bring me a deeper sign. She outwits me, outmatches me, I can never catch up. I found myself stupid and naive - Very naive indeed. I hate myself, hate my incapability of changing the fact and humiliation from the others, considering me an outsider from oxbridge.

What I should do? Three months left

there's so much I wanna do, tonight, I wanna lay at your feet. cause I was made for you, and you were made for me..

Tonight I wanna see you in your eyes, feel the magic..

The jazz, swirling around the air, a solitude and hopeless night and future. It's over, it's all over...

Cakes and boys.

It was quite rare that I had caught cold and confined to bed for two days for fever. I took a nap today in the afternoon, and had a strange dream.

In the basement of Tuen Moon City Plaza, where one of the places I often visited when I was small. It is a food square overcrowded with different rows of tables and chairs. A high class bakery in the eyes of Tin Shui Wai boy was swarmed with flow of people all the time, standing in the food square. It became a Cherry Bakery (Che lei Gi) in my dream, selling cheap cheese cakes. I saw Au Kai Man walking toward me in uniform!? Or vice versa? I cant remember, picking up a chocolate and mango one. I came and said Hello to him, and smiled and paid for his bill. Yes, you are working hard, we must work hard, that's life.. He've just finished his class from Beacon College. Go to university, we will. The feeling of struggling in a foreshadowing situation in form four, recapturing me in my dream, it was so familiar. There were remorse and sad, and struggling. A road from Tin Shui Wai to University of Hong Kong.

Can we change the fact?

I've just figured out the usual offer from University of Hong Kong, LLB. It is a impossible mission. I mirrored myself. I know I am not clever enough to get into HKU, or Cambridge Law faculty. But that doesn't matter. There is a mild, and plausible, cogent and convincing voice whispering to me that I would eventually make it if I insist and work as best as I can, but I am afraid, you know, afraid of the words from Uncle Henry Lau, I simply don't believe my fate is doomed to be certain way. I think, if I work hard and be a good person, helping people as I possibly can, I could redeem my guilt and do better. At another point, I told myself when I was taking shower today, yes, my father is right, no matter how hard I work, I can never surpass that russian girl. It had the imprinted upon my mind hitherto. Today, I just told myself, and willing to nearly admit that, yes my father was right, I can never outmatch you, irrespective of how much effort I paid. Yet I have yet to forsaken the hope of defeating her; I have not give up entirely. It is a tough and ruthless naked fact, but can't the fact change!? We can change the future, Can't we change the fact?

give a direction without a destination.

I make myself a glass of Vodka Tonic and cook some instant noodle. I packed off the post. Three things there. Hope she will like it. Well, no difference to me anyway.

Spiritually latitude and physically slack, I mechanically read half of the Raj history and reread the Politics Heywood. Shit. Mark's words in these two days often broadcasted in my brain: "The people get into cambridge, they doze and get into it." I found it depressing - albeit I am not particularly now, having a destination. Law? History? Philosophy? Damn no idea. Okay, I have to confess that, one of the reason why I would like to read law is money - shame on myself. But to be frank I would really love to find a job which can make some real contribution and change of the underprivileged with my talent (Please "talent. Fuck me, where is my talent coming from and what the hell is my talent I got absolutely damn no idea.") - okay, then interest. And then - when it comes to the this phrase - I mirror myself. Whop. No hope at all. Mediocre is the first word emerging in my mind.

the little wooden gobbet.

Thinking of HY on bed. I want to tell her how I was sorry and grateful to her generosity to me. Last night I found the little wooden gobbet she gave me before I went to the UK. I wish I could have done something about the pain I brought upon her. Why didn't she reply me anymore? just because of her boy friend? May god help, I just want to make some compensation toward my guilt at my early age; she is a very good-hearted person. I simply can't believe she would just let me go. If there's a chance, I will unwaveringly contact her again.

Her voice and words still are swirling around my brain now, "At the very beginning I hate you, I hate you went away irresponsibly." But eventually, she forgives me. I wish could we could be friend. -- it didn't come out. We lost contact. Now HY, I know you will not have a chance, to read my words, but I really tell you that I want to see you again - there's nothing to do with love and whatsoever, I want to compensate, I want to thank you if god allows us to meet again. I wish you all very best in your HKDSE. -- try to get into university... although it would be a hard hurdle... then you'll have a better chance and shape a better off life... Why didn't come out? I could have help you with your english in summer. May be not a lot, may not not much, may be useless, but bestow me the chance.

Future and Format.

Her voice and the depressing music, accompanying me every single, solitude night. I don't even know, or remember who the singer was.

There is nothing to worry about. The future is elusive - just as what Edward Thomas describes in his poems usually. You can never tell what the future holds. Someone said (I can hardly remember his name): yes future, I've seen it, actually it is quite similar to present. To be more precise - future is encompassing our emotion toward uncertainty. It can be expectation and excitement, or hope and horror. It is an episode which has just yet to get under way on the stage of life. We are born to obsessed with the idea with future. Because future is generous, it graciously bestows us a boundless room to imagine, to create, albeit it is not material and tangible. It allows us to be a little god, writing our own page of genesis. I suppose that to be a perpetual charm and cheer of future, because there is everything in front of us, and there is nothing ahead of us. therefore, why bother it?

How about the past? I haven't had a idea yet. I will write it once I've an idea.

And one more question: do you believe that there is a pattern in human history?

A break and a plan.

After working for few hours, I gave myself a break. Chocolate on bread with a glass of Vodka Tonic.

I've set up a plan. I found that I was too pointless to finish the stuff in time. It is a tough plan, it would, I hope, get me into Law school. A couple of history essays weekly, brabrabra. Stick to the plan, and strive the the best result.

Reading "In defense of History"

Reading the "in defense of history" has overturned almost all my beliefs and values, the disorientation of the historian throughout past and present moves from the books to me. Fuck me. I can't figure out what the hell is happening around us. The world is too complicated to predict. I would love to give prediction. Reasoning is a problem. I wish I could be cleverer.

Rattling over the turning point.

The idea of reading law at university has been swirling in my mind after the conversation with papa. To be frank, I do think it is a rewarding job. It would be perfect if I can make a stable living, and helping the poor. I come from the underprivileged family too when I was small. I am thinking, lawyer has perhaps bigger power to make contribution and change for the poor, rather than being a teacher. Of course both are rewarding. But, if I read law at the university, I will have more choices, even if I would not want to be a lawyer, I can still be a teacher.

It spurs me working up my english literature well. I am miles behind the others. I have no good feeling upon this subject. But I must overcome it. I hate the cowardice of dodging the difficulty I can get over.

Good night.

Boredom lalala

I am thinking of a better description of today - more than exhaustion, pressure and passion. They are fortitude of whim. it didn't last long, until I am now typing my diary on my bed. I would say I am too tired to think, express the tire and tension. Now I would like to have a good night sleep. And wake up at 6 tomorrow, continue to work up my history essays, and if luckily finish reading the last chapter of miss Jean Brodie. I decided not to give up english literature. Yes, reading is delightful but the reading for exam is distasteful and the teacher is detestable. Still I think I could better, if I work harder and put more effort in this subject. I should learn to get over the things I hate rather than staving off them. It is an important learning experience. I don't want to let myself and my parents down. Goodnight.

Sense and Sensibility.

After a glass of Vodka tonic, I went to bed at one something. I made a long dream, like an epic.

I was on a mission to kill someone again. The details were vague - I was in the immigration, and somehow, I found him and have him killed, but meantime he shot at my head. What was eccentric was that, I didn't fall down and die immediately. I covered the injury by my hand, it seemed that there wasn't much blood shedding at the very beginning. I tottered dizzily toward the passport control area, and asked for help? My will to survive was fragile, and consciousness was weak. A middle-aged man, whom I cannot remember his face no more after waking up, saw me and found his colleagues for further help, he was panic, and he gave me the impression that I seemed to know him. My injury turned bigger unobtrusively , and I started feeling that my energy and elements for surviving flowing away with my blood. I knew I was going to die. However no a touch of pain, not an immense pain was felt in my dream.

The footage jumped to any other unconnected location - I thought I saw my mother, crying her eyes out. I was sitting next to her. I can't remember what exactly was happened. The picture of her crying, imprinted in my mind.

The dream record is not compete, I have to say, I've forgotten a plenty. Another footage turned to a mountain? I was hiking with the middle-aged man who've saved me. On the top of the mountain we lied down, two-third of my blood in my body seemed to run out. My nerves was still. The blood in my body dried up, so did my life, and soul, I thought. Consciousness waned piecemeal. I missed my family.

I waked up in Subway. A subway located on the top of the unknown mountain. There was few people. I could sense the aroma of the fresh, hot coffee swirling in the air. lassitude filled every nerves and fingers of mine. A cell phone from nowhere, I found. I called CC. Her voice was still as sweet and happy as usual. Again, I couldn't recall the particulars. I said with composure, that I haven't died. She said she loved me. I smiled, and asked her what did you say? I would love to hear it again - She reiterated. So do I. Some people start coming. One thing was strange -

Apart from bliss, I found equal suspicion in my dream. I questioned myself in my dream that why she suddenly told me she loved me, after I was at the edge of death. My logic and rational thinking weren't totally perished whilst I was sleeping. That's I've proved.

Mirror and Moan.

Every time my reflection upon the mirror would ruffle a ripple of unconfidence in my heart.

It may be superstitious, but I believe in that anyway. The reflection from the mirror sends me a signal to remind me that I am not as clever as the others, I am a very mediocre person which needs more diligence than the others to reach even the same target. I am delighted, on balance, that I am not frustrated. I am still positive, I think. I will not give up. I will be self-restrainted. I will be more focus, I will do better, I know I am not clever, and I will do something about it. I really want everyone know that, Ng Ka Shek, he is someone matters. His parents didn't waste a single pounds on him. He gets into university by his knowledge not money. I swear, I pledge, I will prove it. No matter how hard the way will be, no, no never, never, I will change my mind. When I look at the russian girl in my class, yes, she is much more clever than, I admit that, but with all my might and main, I will catch her up... I wish, I could do it. I am not sure, but I will do what all possibly can to leave no regret...

Ng Ka Shek, when you want a cigarette, think of your rivilary, when you think of girls, think of your parents, when you think of sex, think of the blunders and sins you made, when you think of give up, think of your parents, when you think of relaxing, think of revising. Actually you dont have to think of anything, focus and revise, you will make it. I am sure. trust myself.

From mirror to mediocre.

I am sick. I want to vomit. Probably because of the supper with curry rice and vodka last night. I didn't go to school today.

I mirror myself. Looking at the features on my face - and laugh. It would be the greatest joke, and absurdity if Cambridge University takes the student looking like this - a mediocre one. It is all of dream.

flicking through my history and politics textbooks are the best thing I can do now. Hope you have a good day. Good evening.

Warmth and encouragement from pop and mum and brother.

the failure of the exam send me a hidden signal that I was too optimistic about the exam in May - i knew that it wouldn't surely be easy, but never thought it is something I can't achieve. Now, I seriously doubt that if I could really do well in May as I wish.

I've just taken a shower. a glimpse of my family picture in background comfort me little. It is not easy. I look at my parents, and my brother. They eyes in the picture seems to give me courage, and insistence. It is not expectation and pressure, and menace. It is comforting encouragement and warmth. I will do my best, I promise.

Whether I can get into Cambridge, I dare not to think. I will just do my best.

the woman in white.

On reading and reviewing the chapter “UK party system”, a whim crossed in my mind. I did make a dream last night – and I forgot to write it down.

I was in a lobby? Or white room? Everywhere was white, whatsoever. I met with a girl? I forgot her face! (I am not sure if she is S.) A serial of question marks orchestrated my dream. Anyway my impression and intuition told me that she was beautiful. Oh yes I remember. We were in the lobby, trying to shoot each other to death. It was a mission? Somehow in the lobby in the hotel (imagine!) I found there was a short, rock wall with a big hole in the centre in front of me and I hide there. There was one chance only. We have been under strain. We could not find the way out. She decided to take the first step, she moved out from her wall and shoot at me. She missed. It was so fast that my eyes, I believe could never catch up with the bullet – if it happened again. I was lucky, and forthwith return a shot. I have never missed. She lied and died.

I remember strangely, again, she was in white dress. Yes, a woman in white. I walked slowly toward her, found her dead already. I was so sad that, I bent down and touched her face softly, and kissed her. I don't know why – in my dream at that moment, I was very upset, and it seems to me that she was Sabina? (at least someone I know). I kissed her. And found that there are some flower-form accessories in pocket, which are all made by sliver. I took most of them in particular I can remember the flower one and left. I went out to the garden rear of the hotel. Shortly afterwards the police arrived in the hotel.

The footage turn to my home – 2314. I was tidying up Sabina sliver flower accessories on my bed. It is a double-deck bed. I left them on my bookshelf. The police came to my house and searched. They left. Nothing happen.

I am not sure if the girl is S. I have no impression if I had seen her face in my dream. But I do have a strong feeling that the woman in white was she – or have I mixed up the feeling and turned it into truth I don't know.. it was a birthday dream.

A couple of strange dreams on my 18 birthday.

Last night was 18 birthday - according to the chinese values, - I think, It shouldn't be celebrated because it is the day of our mother suffering and pain. There wasn't a big celebration of course anyway. The fact that I am having an exam the day after, foreshadowed it.

I smoked. And what is more - I went to bed quite early, around ten thirty. Whole night I was dreaming with two girls - one of them was my ex. Just as usual I can not remember much details on the second one. However, the first one was of a russian girl "N" visit my house and enjoy chinese steamed fish. She was rather uncomfortable of our feast - very strange, and funny dream. She had problem with picking up chopstick, and took the fish meat off the bones. The second one was of my ex "L". I reencountered "L" somehow in my dream - on the hill at the bus station at night. She missed the bus? or waiting for the bus? I am not sure. Anyway, It was very late I met her there, and was shocked, and took a taxi home with her. We talked few. All I can remember was just the view of west rail station, when we got there, it was almost day breaking. my mother called me for something!? I went home.

The footage turn to - I received a SMS from her. quite a horny one - i remember something like this "I would do anything for you spreading my legs let you in brabrabra unless you come back". disgusting? i am afraid. it wasn't the whole message. Whilst reading in the middle I woke up.

2012 first week of school. A story of witch and shit and exam.

A shit beginning today.

the pressure crammed into my brain once I stepped into the room twenty-four. I knew at the moment shit would start. The witchy-british-doll-faced something started taunting at me. What the hell is going on? Well, I lied. I lied to ther that I am working on my second graph of seamus heaney coursework and she asked for it tomorrow. Great. This time really I have to work all night to deal with that peice of shit. I just hate this subject. For goodness's sake I am having an exam on friday. Birthday on wednesday is pointless and meaningless whilst witchy-bitchy asked you for one thousand words well-connected, constructed, written poem analysis. Well I dont mind not to give a damn on my eighteen birthday, what makes me more fuck-up is that how am I going to blow up one-thousand words in less than twenty-four hours. God bless me. I have to press the button all over the time I am sure until six months at least later. Thank you.
Timetable is also sick. the man who scheduled this should be sent to addenbrokes hospital mental department immediately. What the hell is going on? i cant believe that I am mumbling for two hundred words. it is not my style. stay calm ka shek. you can one day get that shit done and get all A. I promise. Now get the hell back to your books. Good luck.

Stay calm with love.

What will be the difference if I now allow myself to think of her all the time from purely take her picture out of my mind? We are in different places, facing the challenge of going to university. I know, I have fallen in love. But please, Stay calm, and focus, nothing will change even if you spend your time at thinking of her more than revising. Let the things go naturally. The most important thing now is to get into Cambridge. You have already created a chance for yourself, go it further and don't miss it. It is not for granted.

God bless me.

it is time to press the button again.

Using my own slang: it is time to press a button.

I feel a bit sad. it is a sadness tainted with fear. The fear from future. I am leaving again tomorrow. The holiday was rewarding, and I am very much grateful for the time from my friends and family. I will miss you all. In fact, I am missing you all already. The battle starts. This time we must get to the bottom of the things and strike at the heart of the problem. Calm down, ka shek. Just focus and work. You will be.. well, I dont know? 'you will have no regret' should be an appropriate phrase.

I will think of her, and wish her well. I utterly hope she will get into university. I heartfeltly, wish she would get into the department she wants. I will pray for you.

I tell nothing, brag nothing, but work and focus, humble and firm. We will all watch and wait.

No fear. No nervous. A windless mind.

my brother asked me why do you leave so early?

Well, I have to say, I must go. I must go for the battle against. This time, I will be calm and confident, with well-constructed plan. Dissolving difficulties step by step and finding their context, with logical and rational skill. Meantime I would never forsake my sensibility whilst I learn to use sense to see the world. I pray. God will help me. I play and replay, that, one day, my aspiration will turn into achievable target.

A windless heart and spirit. composed and collected and calm. imperturbable and unflappable.

an old start.

A great dinner with wong sir, which again arouse my desire to be a vegetarian. Being a vegetarian seems to be a part of my past; an inconceivable past which I don't remember. I feel serene and happy when I keep out of meat.. The feeling is so strong tonight that perhaps I should make up my mind even, in the UK, undertaking a plan of staying away from meat. Coherence of insistence and consistence. I am happy because I am not joining the part of killing.

Clear and simple life.

The target is pure and simple, the step is well-planned and sturdy, the heart is calm and confident. I am not worried about the difficulty ahead of me, through the things I processed above, the difficulty and depression can be dissolved. My action will tell. I don't have to attend any hearsay around me, but make the best use of every second, and perfect use of my flair, and not to waste the expectation from my parents, and the talent that inherently born with me. With my best use of my aptitude to help people on the planet. Thank you, I am grateful for everything I have. May the god help me if thou art here.

be a good man and be nothing to do with stuff without the stage.

i think i'll feel much better if i dont give a damn on any affair with girls but focusing on friends and family. that's what i will do, and what will make me happy. I have made up my mind? the question of sadness and depression have none the less related to, anyone, but our self.

road is long, keep my monkey mind calm, and things will go smooth. of course, be a good person too.