2012 and sleepless night just as usual.

This is a rewarding christmas. I am truly delighted in staying with my family. Every second with them is a present for me, and I am always grateful for that. I didn't do much textbooks, academics revision, however, I found, and I did achieve something more than that. Through listening to various kind of people I learn loads.

I have another problem too. I think, I am sick. I am afflicted by a disease of vague feelings, between love and something strange. well, I am unsure about that. Perhaps I can never be sure about that. The dogmas of buddha, and the advice from my father, are getting the thing more complicated. In a nutshell, my thought is in utterly mess and troubles.

I naturally, sms her every day (i even didn't attempt to control? is that a sort of sin?) i feel happy when i stay with her. however, i feel unconfident, and she deserves much better.

I would like to put aside those stuff, if I could. it would be a trivial and tedious mumbling in a hindsight after many years perhaps. i have the feeling i am in love again. since i have the symptoms of loving, just as something happened one and a half year ago.

i think i have a well-constructed plan, and mindset to tackle with the tribulation and trials ahead of me. i am calm about the exam. i know i must be more disciplinary and work harder to exert fully my ability and brainpower. it is important. every time when i watch bbc, i know, i must do it. and i will show the people who mock at me, that, you were wrong, and you are wrong. i can do much better than your expectation. but i will never laugh at them; but be thankful for their encouragement.

happy, and smooth, and peaceful 2012. calmness, focus and insistence, and i hope... right, that's what i hope, she will be here with me..

in the morning.

i was dwelling upon the idea, the touchstone of 'left' as i had a shower. the idea of 'left' always swirls in my mind, and reminds me of some fragmentary pictures of the past. an impressive conversation with my teacher, kk or, some important words which change my life totally from my father, etc, but i still haven't found the answer.

yesterday i spent a night in reading 'the third way'. giddens seems to provide an reply by citing from a italian philosopher norberto bobbio. well i didn't find it very fulfilling, esp the attitude toward the equality point.

another day start. it is now 1012, after briefly having a look at bbc news. must work now. still a pile of work is accumulating on my table, endlessly.

plan for the week before going home.

I have already made a plan for the weeks before christmas. it would be very busy and tense. seven politics past papers are planned to be accomplished before sunday, and rewrite and finish all the final correction on next friday. sociology notes should be done before saturday, and print on monday for holiday revision. history time line should be revised and finished the last part hopefully in this weekend. also, i wish that the dissertation of annoying literature will be finish before christmas.

it seems that things go right. but i am sure i need to work much much harder to consolidate what i achieved now, i should not be contented, but be humble, and self-effacing, on the ground. i am not worried. i will just work and work, good luck with me. i know i can still be more focused.

go backing to the lost track.

get my history essay done. well i dont feel a touch of relax. this week i resume to be more focus. i am catching back the lost track. luckily it wasnt too far. a whim of idea of becoming a vegetarian swirling in my mind, but i cant still make up my mind to do it because i miss my favourite ham and mustard sandwich. bad excuse, of course.

i reactivated my facebook and browed through the news from a schoolmate whom is unknown to me. anyway her pictures in university of cambridge more or less re-enlightened the fame in my heart to go for cambridge. because as the time goes by i feel i have less and less chance to get into it. i dont know why.

i have to sleep. such a tired night, after a couple slices of bread with my favorite crunchy peanuts butter.