the light up college at night.

English Literature is an essential subject to go to Law. I am not doing well in this subject now. I found difficult in expressing myself in a clear and concise way.

I have to admit that I am not particular interested in law just as history, but I think I will enjoy it immensely because it is a subject requires much logical thinking. I love logically thinking, keep questioning myself the fundamental values I convicted for years. Law gives me more choices in finding jobs, that's no doubt about it. Money is important, I do want my parents have a better life. If I failed to gain the admission from HKU, my father would need to sell his only property to support my university fees in england. Christ, I don't want to see that. If you can hear me, though I dont know who you are, just someone who arrange my fate, you must know that no matter what jobs I will have, I would like to make the others have better life at heart. Well, perhaps the university professors are not going to believe what I say, yet that's what I hold at heart. Being a lawyer can help the poor a lot. I am just a lucky one with mediocre mind, who receive a unrequited love and support from my parents. I know that. I wish, and I will try to make best of this chance.

It has not been the end of the game... It is just March, I still got a chance... Ka Shek... remember the light up college at night? remember how hard your parents work?

Silly dreams.

I had a string of horrendous dream last night. They are fragmented and faded on the spot after waking up (Why is that case? Interesting, isn't it?) With a very vague impression I was being chased after by a murderer in a building. The second one which I can remember was that CC had married to a rich guy. Silly dream.

I found I've lost that flame, driving me forward to do better. I will try to do better. :) Cambridge.

Unexpected stranger and riddle.

Today was a simple drizzling day in a middle of February, just as the another weekday I cycle to school in the morning, until I received a sms from my friend. She hasn't been school for three days. Seriously ill. She asked me to buy medicine for her, I was about to go for my politics lesson, well, to be frank,I thought being late for minutes would not be a big deal therefore I went to pharmacy boot to get the medicine "lemin" for her first, and then went to school.

Nothing special, I frowned at the teacher just as usual in the lesson - a very misleading byword for hundred percent of focusing which last week aroused the misunderstanding from my grumpy english literature teacher. After three hours of lesson I alone walked at a slow pace, I had yet to have lunch; I put on my earphone and turned on the BBC philosophy Dao Zhi podcast, walking toward the fence along Bateman Street where I locked my bike. Whilst I was about to unlock it, I bent down and threw a brief glanced upon a girl walking in direction of my side. I didn't pay much heed to it, I would say it was more a reflection than intention - that's my habit when unlocking the bike. I then carried my way with my bike, pondering if I should go to Barber to have a hair cut- I was struggling with the financial problem. The void of my stomache relentlessly reminded me of lunch - it was 215. On contemplating those string of problem and listening to BBC and carry my bike, the girl, stopped and said hello to me. At that time I still didn't have a clear picture of her appearance strangely. She asked me about the locus of the main building of University of Cambridge - it really called me in question - as far as I know there is no such thing like the headquarters of university of cambridge!? I then asked her if you have been King's college to conceal my ignorance. She said no. It leaded me to point out the direction of King's College. I originally thought of bring her to Trumpington street and then let go, however, something was driving me forward. This is not something related to her youth and prettiness, but perhaps her traits I devoid of, she was very extrovert. what was more, I did feel pretty comfortable of being with her. Then I told her well, virtually I could give you a tour. That was how our strange journey began.

Her name is Bella. Her father is vietnamese and mother is french and Bella was born in Hong Kong, lived in Canada and educated in England, well a rather long list. Interesting person. I shown her some must go, stock visiting points in Cambridge like some of the most famous colleges. I just walked around with her all afternoon, then emptiness from my stomach start sprawling through my brain, I was too hungry that I was swoon, then I asked her if you wanted something to eat. We went to a vietnamese restaurant yet it was closed, then we got into a french bistro. The waitress was in bad mood like the weather outside. Terrible fete. We ordered a couple of beers, Hoegarrden and Kronenbourg 1664. They were both good. Petit plates with different kinds of goat cheese, and liver!? with fairly well-made bread, and pasta. I had a clear picture of her face since the moment we sat in the restaurant. You will understand I prefer details in my brain rather than in words.

We had a nice chat. She was obviously a very ambitious and independent lady. I fancy that. After seeing her off in the train station she politely said thank you and gave me a hug. Well I remember still the feeling of that. The thing is, I found her so interesting, and she is appealing, nothing related to sex or love, but seems some character I am lacked of. I wish I could know more about her. Her images riddled with my brain whole night, even as I was taking a shower. Interesting, very interesting. I know after twenty years, it will be ridiculous about what I write today, but that's absolutely fine, I just want to record such a interesting day in a drizzling February, as a unexpected and total stranger met a Canadian girl who alone visiting Cambridge on the street, and gave her an tour. By chance or accident I don't know, but fate seems to be a game of riddle, you never know the answer, it could be dramatic and depressing and its charm is that the answer often unveiled in a simple, drizzling, overcast day.

No more boom and bust.

The limitation of my intelligence, stabbing my heart. This is very plain.

Only when the true words reflecting the reality bring me a deeper sign. She outwits me, outmatches me, I can never catch up. I found myself stupid and naive - Very naive indeed. I hate myself, hate my incapability of changing the fact and humiliation from the others, considering me an outsider from oxbridge.

What I should do? Three months left

there's so much I wanna do, tonight, I wanna lay at your feet. cause I was made for you, and you were made for me..

Tonight I wanna see you in your eyes, feel the magic..

The jazz, swirling around the air, a solitude and hopeless night and future. It's over, it's all over...

Cakes and boys.

It was quite rare that I had caught cold and confined to bed for two days for fever. I took a nap today in the afternoon, and had a strange dream.

In the basement of Tuen Moon City Plaza, where one of the places I often visited when I was small. It is a food square overcrowded with different rows of tables and chairs. A high class bakery in the eyes of Tin Shui Wai boy was swarmed with flow of people all the time, standing in the food square. It became a Cherry Bakery (Che lei Gi) in my dream, selling cheap cheese cakes. I saw Au Kai Man walking toward me in uniform!? Or vice versa? I cant remember, picking up a chocolate and mango one. I came and said Hello to him, and smiled and paid for his bill. Yes, you are working hard, we must work hard, that's life.. He've just finished his class from Beacon College. Go to university, we will. The feeling of struggling in a foreshadowing situation in form four, recapturing me in my dream, it was so familiar. There were remorse and sad, and struggling. A road from Tin Shui Wai to University of Hong Kong.

Can we change the fact?

I've just figured out the usual offer from University of Hong Kong, LLB. It is a impossible mission. I mirrored myself. I know I am not clever enough to get into HKU, or Cambridge Law faculty. But that doesn't matter. There is a mild, and plausible, cogent and convincing voice whispering to me that I would eventually make it if I insist and work as best as I can, but I am afraid, you know, afraid of the words from Uncle Henry Lau, I simply don't believe my fate is doomed to be certain way. I think, if I work hard and be a good person, helping people as I possibly can, I could redeem my guilt and do better. At another point, I told myself when I was taking shower today, yes, my father is right, no matter how hard I work, I can never surpass that russian girl. It had the imprinted upon my mind hitherto. Today, I just told myself, and willing to nearly admit that, yes my father was right, I can never outmatch you, irrespective of how much effort I paid. Yet I have yet to forsaken the hope of defeating her; I have not give up entirely. It is a tough and ruthless naked fact, but can't the fact change!? We can change the future, Can't we change the fact?

give a direction without a destination.

I make myself a glass of Vodka Tonic and cook some instant noodle. I packed off the post. Three things there. Hope she will like it. Well, no difference to me anyway.

Spiritually latitude and physically slack, I mechanically read half of the Raj history and reread the Politics Heywood. Shit. Mark's words in these two days often broadcasted in my brain: "The people get into cambridge, they doze and get into it." I found it depressing - albeit I am not particularly now, having a destination. Law? History? Philosophy? Damn no idea. Okay, I have to confess that, one of the reason why I would like to read law is money - shame on myself. But to be frank I would really love to find a job which can make some real contribution and change of the underprivileged with my talent (Please "talent. Fuck me, where is my talent coming from and what the hell is my talent I got absolutely damn no idea.") - okay, then interest. And then - when it comes to the this phrase - I mirror myself. Whop. No hope at all. Mediocre is the first word emerging in my mind.