I have read a few chapters of religion, holocaust, and class. Concentration getting better. Keep it going.

unlucky day.

I have been very lazy and unfocused for a week, a lot of problem troubling me recently. Today I dressed myself up and resume the regular, discipline lifestyle. Well. misshapen thing followed. I broke my USB! Every revision notes I made HAS LOST! OH MY GOD!

God bless me. I need to work REALLY HARD TO GET THE THING BACK THIS TIME!

Lazy week.

Mind was scattering during this week, I was quite lazy and unfocused. I must stuck my mind up and get my thing done tomorrow. I am reading Obama "The dream from my father" and those American fool stuff. I hate it for no plausible reasons. Well I do. Racism perhaps. I hate racism too.

Quite frustrated of my english literature. Not doing well, and my teacher unrelenting sneer and mockery at my essay spurred. It isn't a very fine thing to say, it is awful every two mins, at least it wasn't sound nice to me.

Having watched my favourite Mummy.

Tomorrow I must control myself and start to make more progress. Settle myself, and prepare for Cambridge PPSIS aim.

Losing in labyrinth.

Fear always whispered to me that it is the fact you couldn't , and you are not that intelligent to be a student of top-five universities. Tonight I think I proved it again. I think I have tried every way which possibly can to write an essay of A grade standard. It was a big strike to me when I realize my classmate, get a A star in her history essay, I felt very, very frustrated. She was overjoyed to be the first one achieving A star within two months. She is very clever indeed. She is just, brilliant. And me? I bought loads of books and read and worked like her, (Well, I think I did more than her in revision) but still left by her many streets behind. I should be happy for her, well, I am happy for her, whilst I was terribly frustrated of my incapableness. Even my Hong Kong classmate got a bottom A grade in her essay. They didn't read as much as I did. Sometimes I did think, if my parents didn't graciously, put so many money in my education, I would probably be a absolute useless moron. They worked so hard and wasted so much resource upon me but I didn't get what should I get. I am very shameful, and stupid.

I have been receiving miserable grade in my essay from all my subjects for two weeks, (probably far longer than that.). What I should do, I know not. Well, now I am lost in toto.

I dont know what to write no more, and I cant write at all. Good night.

Floating with boundary.

Tonight the sense of incapableness filled in my mind. I failed to write a good (and well, great) history essay. I spent one hour to write my introduction. I was quite lost. I can hardly see the land ahead, let alone the promised land - I am floating in the sea, looking over the sky, and having no clue what to do. I thought I could be material of UCL or at least, top five universities. But now, though I tried hard to suppress the thought that I was wrong, stupid and slow, I could hardly find a reason to dissuade me that was not persuasive.

I did a few things this weekend. To sum up, I didn't make very good use of my time this weekend, but I did do some revision, though not as hard as last few weeks. I keep revising and reading new stuff. I mired in the predicament of writing and I could hardly breathe. I need to sleep. I dont really know what to do, apart from working harder and harder and pushing myself more and more to the corner, I have to admit that the no progress dilemma had defeated deeply my morale and motivation to work harder, meantime I am really tired. I want a break. No I shouldnt. I nned to sleep. Good night. Hope things will soon get better...

Loitering languages.

I am a chinese born in British Hong Kong, a Anglo-Chinese clout tiny city in Asia-Pacific. I have been studying english since the age of three; and have been profoundly studying traditional Chinese since I was ten. I could write and recite old chinese poems, and passages when I was small. I went to England to study when I was sixteen. I learned to speak and write and read french since I was 15.

Chinese Culture is my first language without doubt. I accept it naturally, use it comfortably, and believe it deeply. It teaches me how to be a good person, mainly of morally influences, and the beauty of the nature, however, I didn't learn much logical, rational mindset from my mother-tongue, my mother-culture. British Culture, its language opens another totally different window , it is a window of European Culture. It emphasizes rational thinking, logical, and rule of law. Not only what history have shown us in the West, but the language itself, is constructed by very logic basis and spirit of clarity. It reminds me of the importance of mastering both Chinese and English. English is more flexible than Chinese. Chinese is more expressive than english when it comes to poetry and sensibility. The language of Chinese is a picture which can move you. Every chinese letter has profound meaning to be interpreted. It is a code of culture. English, however is likely to be a good tool of thinking.

A battle to insist.

I can only content with discontent today. Unbelievably there was a flash - just a flash of whim enticing me to give up. The situation is challenging, I have to admit. I got a B minus today in my essay and a straight grade B in politics. Only a month left before the exam, I must get an A. And the problem is I find immensely difficult to upgrade my writings on the whole of my subjects. I did try my best to write my english literature essay but the result was disaster. I get stuck in a stalemate, and I am scrambling out with all my might and main. The direction doesn't seem clear as before; the essays I produced seriously with immense effort ended up with poor result. I am tired. I have to admit that when I think of the sight of contempt from my schoolmates, and my father's friends's belittlement, I feel worse. I am already, I think, doing everything I possibly can to achieve a good result. One of my classmate I do want to defeat her, and she is just, you know, much cleverer than me; must I admit that. Things go wrong, future grows shorter, and present gets worse.

Well there was a talk, which relaxed me a little today, a MP of Cambridge, Julian Huppert came to our school. Interesting meetings.

Hope things will go well. I am tired. It is not very late, but I have to sleep. Goodnight.