Stupid dream after all.

The exam is just a month ahead.

Tonight when I found out that I could not remember the poems I revised, all the poems I have spent loads of time to make and revise, the effort was in vain. I am simply too stupid to remember things, what is more, I found myself ridiculous, gosh, how come did I even dare to think of reading law, didn't I, you know, too self-assertive. Tonight I wake up from my dream, my unrealistic dream. I don't even think I would have a chance to secure three A star.

fourth of april.

Today my brain seemed not working I guess it must be the incessant exhaustion engendered in these few days. I am very unsatisfied with the progress I made.

In the evening I lost my focus for half an hour. I was depressed and frustrated and frightened. I imagined the happiness when gaining the admission to Cambridge, and the smiles from my parents. I blamed none but myself, for my incapability of studying well, my lack of intelligence. Whereas, the notion that my parents are working damn work and spending all their money on a not very clever son, plunged me into a very depressing and perplexing situation, positively speaking, this notion helps he press ahead, with a belief that one day I can prove to the people who despise me and my parents that their perception to us are nonsense. Only when I encourage myself thinking of this way, I regained the power to carry on my work.

I don't know what more I can say. Loads of work waiting for me tomorrow. Good luck and never give up.

A robot heart.

I am happy about the progress I made in these few days, but I am not satisfied (well I cannot be contented sadly.) I am now writing three essays a day and I hope I will be able to produce four. I feel myself a machine, producing amount of essays every day and consider eating and drinking the fuels to maintain my brain working properly. There is not a ouse of complacency in my heart, as I said, I will do everything I can to strive for a straight A Star result in AS. I am afraid also, at the same time, that, I will fail, but with my effort I believe I will make it.

The guilt sprout in my heart, after texting with Tamar. She is a really good person that she told me she wished everyone would do well in the upcoming exam. I rejoined the same thing she said - But did I mean it? anyway, I was moved by her kindness and therefore, promised to send her my politics revision notes to her. I am really depressed with my selfishness whilst clearly remembering my words in March that I wish we could get a altogether. There is indeed a long way to go, Ka Shek, to make yourself, a more rounded creature. Work hard.

Imagined Happiness.

I imagine the happiness whilst receiving a straight A AS report in August, this is what driving me to work every day, crazily. For what? For sense, no regret and washing off the shame and disgrace upon my parents and myself given our snobbery surroundings. For sensibility, for the future, for a better life, not only for myself, but my parents as well. It deserves a holiday, mentally imprison myself into studies. I will do it I know. University of Cambridge, I am not rich and clever, but I shall try my best to be at least eligible to challenge you. We will wait and watch.

the reality is coming.

After going through the application form of Summerbridge today, I've figured out I was far too optimistic about my career. The chance of getting a stable job is minuscule.

The stress and strain occupied my mind and I think the road ahead of me is rocky and spiky. I have to reconsider the the impossible mission of going to Cambridge, which is the only safeguard to make a stable living and support my parents. It is hard, Ka Shek, but you must do everything you can and work as hard as you can to make sure you will at least be eligible for it...

It is time to begin the game.

I was defeated today.

I have spent most of my time on constructing a plan to defeat all my schoolmates in all the subjects. It was unlucky today but that should not be an excuse. I was late, but it will not change the fact that I can not outrank that russian girl today. No rush Ka Shek, you have to break the verdict and fate give by your father - you did once by luck. Now you have to continue.

Wash off the disgrace and despise.

The main reason why I like very much writing a diary, owned much to the my discretion to people. My surroundings, now are fraught with the people who do everything in the interest of themselves in the very first place. I have exhausted my words on the snobbery and sophistication they shown during these days. Judge one's by virtues please.

That's why I enjoy writing private diary. I can say everything I want to say. I don't have to be mindful of the others - well, I do have one or two good friends. They are good people. I enjoy talking to them as well. My identity is anonymous and unknown to the people who may incidentally browse through my diary. They are perhaps the most profound of my feelings and thought that could be possibly written and expressed by voices and words - well sometimes I prefer silence. In Muriel Spark's novel The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, she said "Speech is silver and silence is gold."I neither agree nor disagree to that, I just prefer to a more subtle way to live in front of people but the diary allows me to be unsubtle, perhaps in front of nought but blankness. Silence is a form of language. Meaningful words are language, and vice versa are noise. I hate noise.

Today I wasn't well and had a bit of blistering headache. Hideous as it was, I took a nap after school and woke up almost nine o'clock and didn't get much thing done. I start writing a revision notes on Politics and will continue it tomorrow. The first line of the notes are genuinely the reason driving me to Cambridge. "This is the last and first hurdle to Cambridge, because you simply can not afford to miss any one of those. Cherish the chance and wash off the disgrace and despise upon your parents from your surroundings. Prove that Ng Ka Shek can do better than they think." Again, I have to reiterate that I am never a clever person, I am mediocre student who seeks a peaceful and respectable and dignified place in this tumultuous world. His only wish is to help a lot of people - who deserve to be helped - as I can. But does everyone deserve to be helped? Would it be possible for us to enlighten everyone's seed of kindness hidden in their heart, if there's still any. Yes, there is, there is always heaven and hell in one's heart. We shall continue this topic next time.

Now work hard and good night:)