The Great Gatsby

It is another simple and plain day that I should be grateful for. I have enough food, a vegetarian sub, nice little box of fresh milk, and juicy blueberries newly arrived from Spain. Oh, yes, I had a cup of decent hot coffee to start my day. The weather is rather sunny. I have the chance to stay in the very peaceful corner of the library at the edge of Fife, where the crawl of war has yet to reach. I have books to read for fun. I appreciate my life and I am contented. 

I've finished the Great Gatsby, well to be honest I failed to find it inspiring after seeing the movie. I had a chat on Daisy and Tom a couple of days ago with Vika, her discovery of Tom being a boring and common character kind of stuck in my mind. yes, I agree, Tom is just one of those many rats that you can easily spot from the crowd in Oxford Street. Tom seems to be a rather metropolitan figure, that, he would not simply exist if there is no city. I can hardly picture Tom from a village, this is just surreal. 

Enough of Gatsby, my grades are declining, and academically I am not doing well. I do not know what to do, I am strained and stressed but I seem to fail to find out a door within this labyrinth. 

I am now able to spell my friends' name out here, thanks to Jerome, my ego dwindled and become psychologically more balanced. 

Be optimistic

My naivety is built upon a beautiful speculative future we would share if you were willing to. the reality that you did not even bother to give me the answer, or allow me a chance to give it a go, make my wishful thinking stay alive. However, I've never pictured a flat rejection from you; that is perhaps the beauty of tragedy of my naivety. 

I still keep thinking all the possibility of my life, though I cannot spot on an exact moment of the beginning, perhaps there is not a moment. time flows from the very beginning without consulting us. It is this, wishful optimism prompt me to keep thinking about you. The hope of you answering me has perished long ago. the anticipation of bumping you again somewhere in the future, however, has not been excluded. this will probably continue till I die.  the unknownness allows my castle of dream and wish stays on the cloud of possibility and future indefinitely. 

but sometimes, I question myself, I shout at myself, Em, where are you. That does not seem to be that vital no more, since I did not expect you to come to me. My wish has now entirely been relied upon my open future, or the intricate destiny. the only thing I have is not a faith I have faith in all possibilty

Often it comes to mind that I should get a train ticket to Aberdeen. I would wander around Aberdeen, and I may probably see you somewhere when I open the door in a second-hand bookshop. haha, laugh at me if you want, yes, I have seen too many films with too much imagination. Yet this is indeed the my  hope at very depth of my heart. In light of the usual romantic-comedy plot, I shall perhaps reencounter you at a cafe and find out you are engaged. But in my little world, I guess I will see you in the street among the crowd. But my imagination stays at the particular moment, I do not know the upshot. 

Emily, I am disable of describing how much I miss you. When I said to Clarence, I genuinely believed that, even though you were quite bad-tempered in Kathmandu, I cannot imagine another girl whom I will love more and share so many interests with me. Do you remember we hummed the Vienna Wood Waltz in the Valley? There is so much love. I used to be subtle, but now I find no need. I just hope that you will come back to the trajectory my life very soon. Now, despite the existence of facebook, we have never been so remote, and you seem to be living into a different world.

The only feeling, if there is any, it is that, I am very, very upset.

The reason is unknown and uncertain, in fact, the reason is imagination. I imagine all those shit up and believe in it. What am I doing, I need a blanksheet, and I wish a new start. Only in this small place, no one recognize me, I can be myself, an anonymous ghost, pouring out my cheap emotions and redundant sentiment and useless tears, and lick my wound audaciously like a crying wolf. my little blog love is so unconditional that whenever I had a problem, there is always a blank page for me, to get off all those stupid and unreasonable and boring sentiment my chest, which is something I dare not, in millions years, to say it even to my parents and any friends. I took refugee from the world of books when I was small, I sneaked into the library, cause, no one recognized me, I was absorbed into the world of ernest hemingway, and Louis Cha, I could be whoever I want, I could go to Spain and meet Maria, and be a hermit in a mountain like some martial master in China. As I grows up, no more time for daydreaming, the reality is tough, I have to mask myself in a strong, firm and confident face at all times. I am so unwilling to unmask myself, cause I fear despise so much. I fear contempt from the other so much. I care my ego so much. I am such a loser.

Only here, I am allowed to be tedious, and long-winded and talk about how fucked-up I am, how I horrible I feel. I could not sleep a wink last night, cause the italian swept into my mind with Douglas Murray. Very creepy. Then she told me she had a boy friend today. haha. I dont know what I am doing. by the same token, the ghost of emily filmer, oh yes, I fear not to utter her name no more, come back again, she is not even real. We talked, I wishfully thought, (think) that we are possible, but of course, she replied me once in september, that's it. I did try to find her, and I had that stupid, impractical dream rooted in my mind that may be if I go to Aberdeen or Paris, just as what I joked long time ago, we may bump into each other again. She never replied me, she even disappeared on facebook. Probably she has deactivated her facebook, and she may well have deleted me on friend list. After all, I am just being wishful, she probably forget me anyway, I dont even know if she is still in Scotland. I have not heard of her, since Nepal.

I stop pouring my tears and sadness and pressure to my parents. I dont trust Alvin no more. I do not trust anyone in reality. I cant trust anyone, and I always afriad that they would despise my cowardice of showing my emotion nakedly. I got no one to talk to. But thanks god, I have a little corner here, and I am kind of able write.

I feel dizzy with a big headache. I am upset. I've used I more than 1000 times in this diary. I cant care less. I am fucked up, but of course, it is necessary to sum up here, that, I fell down, and now I came up and I am not beaten, I insist. and I try not to trust. I am suspcious, of relationships between people. Are they honest. I want to be as political as I can, the more I am, the safer and more indifferent I feel.

I am reading an article upon witchcraft, womanhood and religion in the medieval time.
I assure you that you have no resemblance to the witches whatsoever.
But you just popped in my brain, in front of these snaky alphabets.
I miss you so much so much, that it hurts. Are you still alive, Em? If so, Where are you?

I like staying in the library. I can be alone nobly, covering my incompetence of making friends. I am an oyster in the library. the blankness and emptiness and loneliness are passed into oblivion once I am in that dead silence. books keep me busy. time goes easy. 

where are you emily fimer?

E.A.L.F

E.A.L.F

I type this in every morning, afternoon, evening and night since my decision to come to Scotland and departure from Nepal. 

We have facebook. We have the internet. I thought that would be enough. We are born in the age of internet after all, everything goes beyond boundary at neck-breaking speed. I felt secure when I left you. Because I had my heart in CUHK. Until I knew I was going to Scotland, I often thought that was the end of the story. It was merely a summer adventure. 

You said you were in Aberdeen. I am at St Andrews. Only four hours train. We have skype. Why you can be so far, and so close? Where are you? Time waves many particulars into oblivion, but you are still there. 

alright - as usual, this is just a phase, right? I will forget you blah blah and I will laugh at myself after a decade right? perhaps so. But for old's time sake, E.M, play it, play the Vienna Woods Waltz. I miss you. Tell me that even it was just a wishful summer adventure, please put a clear full stop for me. Let me know this time, I can frame an excuse again, for my failure and incompetence. I prefer a exclamation mark or full stop, to a question mark. 

Emily, Alice, Louis, Filmer. 

there are always quotas for how much one can write every day. 

if you are good looking - you may well be paid a closer attention by Muse, whose love are generous only with Casanova. 

Grumpy KS. 

a confession of a loser, again.

the cable car swinging slowly but rather steadily on the cloud, with a few people whom their face I can no longer remember, crawled on the route of the cloud. the train crushed the cable car into pieces. life and death is of a second and chances. I did not feel the pain, falling from the sky above cloud, my heart did not stop just as what I have heard. With a few indians, I touched on the soil of a jungle, People's teeth were ivory white, and their smile adorable, and swarthy skin mysterious. the rest I can't remember. I imagined so, now, I was looking for something. As usual there is no story, no point, no line, no people. This is not Kathmandu, I suggested myself quietly. Neither was this Switzerland. South Africa perhaps. A place where I've never been and know very little. It is five o clock now, I have not finished my essay which is due less than 24 hours.

Where the hell are you. there is no answer. Hide back into my mode, To be frank, I am just like anyone. Being serious about relationship is just a comfortable but lame excuse I can find for my failure and disability of attracting any girls. I am serious, I am just a fucking loser which has nothing to lose already, apart from my little piteous ego, which, does not worth a penny. Fuck me. ugliness is obviously a crime. no philosophy is going to defend that. we always do something different from what we say, after all, uh? 

LSE rejection.

A final rejection from London School of Economics came today, after over five months of waiting. I received the UCAS notification in the afternoon in my school computer room. Five applications to Cambridge, LSE, KCL, St Andrews and Birmingham, only St Andrews graciously offered me a place to read international relations. KCL is still considering my application at this moment, I assume. 

I borrow a lighter from my Vietnamese roommates, take out a bag of cigarette which has been long deserted in my drawer, and walked out of my room. It was windy, gloomy and chilly, just as the BBC weather mentioned earlier on today. I lighted up a fag, blowed out a lungful of deep frustration and discontent, listening to Tiesto. As usual I started launching a self-question and conversation as I did the Cambridge relentlessly threw me out of their door. Am I not good enough? Looking at my classmates, schoolmates, alas, the comparison makes me suffer. The frustration, again does not come from the rejection itself, but my repeated failure to hold the helm on my fate, which was, I believe always, hinted, very much on my face. My narrow forehead, symbolized dearth of luck in my youth. How can this be? I work terribly hard, I am passionate about knowledge, I try to be kind to everyone around me, I help people as much as I can. In fact, in January exam, I got pretty good grades too. From Cambridge, LSE to my insurance Birmingham, they all say no to me - that's not the key. Cambridge did not invite me for an interview whilst my unkind classmate with lower grades got one. My classmate from China, who interest in everything except knowledge, got an offer from LSE. Nodar, though he did not get an interview from Cambridge, with his far-from-ideal grades, is offered a place to read economics at LSE and UCL. ME? fuck me, the only loser who is rejected by almost all university.

Am I being ungrateful for what I have? Of course not. As I say I am not frustrated because of the rejections themselves, but the system and the randomness, which are, so unfair and never ever in my side. And to my further agony, I have proved that I am able to be as intelligent as a LSE and Cambridge candidate with my academic attitude and result, but Cambridge did not even give me a slightest interest and chance for me to prove for intelligent, and, whereas LSE rejected me. 

However, I have good faith in my attitude, my capability, my values, and my intelligence. It is their loss that they don't have me as a student. The fate is not very much in favour with me, it does not matter. It is just the beginning, I will never give up challenging myself, and all those clever capable people. Since I have confidence and faith in myself, I might lose this time, but I will come back after four years. With even more intelligence, wider knowledge, sharper critical thinking skills, same humble and curious heart to knowledge and people. This slight slip is not going to crumbled my will. I, Ng Ka Shek, swore with my honour, I will never give up until succeed. 

Whether KCL accepted me or not, I hope I will have a more lucid understanding about the randomness and unfairness with detachment to accept the result, whatever it will be. 

Listening to Johannes Brahms - Hungarian Dance 5, sitting on the window sill, looking up the starry night, lighting up a cigarette, was the celebration in my 19th birthday. Great.

Edward Gibbons - I was never less alone than while by myself.

Until something went terribly wrong, I hardly record anything.

I bought a fingernail clipper and Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy today in Waitrose. The cashier was the pretty girl my friend was so much fond of last year. I would really like to court for her, christ. But I don't want to bother because I am too selfish to give time to anyone right now. Though I am goddamn stress I think I dont need someone to sleep with and love to relax now, (God How can I say this.), I am afraid of too much trouble. So that's it.  Though intentionally I try to evade a heavy topic, it's obvious the most vital part now.

My plan
Finish my personal statement this week. finish HK PS by 20/10/2012

Sociology
Finish the Sociology unit three textbooks all chapters this week, finish the essay by Wednesday
Start reading extra Sociology reading material
Finish by the end of November
Runaway World

Globalization and Its Discontents

Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Survive: How Societies Choose to Fail or Suc... 

Ill Fares The Land: A Treatise On Our Present Discontents 

History
Set up History Essay A and B title by friday and finish reading by friday. Finish the essay by the end of october. 1500 words each. Long term and short term
Going to the Fitzwilliam Museum by October
Go the do the research in central library

Politics
Start practicing Politics Unit 3 past-papers.

Governing Britain Since 1945

The Cameron-Clegg Government: Coalition Politics in an Age of Austerity 

British Politics

Oxbridge Application
Finish my personal statement this week. finish HK PS by 20/10/2012
"In Defence of History" and "John Lanchester" and "Pablo Piscasso and Spanish Civil War" reading should be finished by the end of october
Select Economist every week

It has been a long time I haven't updated here. (Simply because I was having a nice time that there's no up and down during the summer, to my bliss.)

I don't want to record much about academic stuff here, but it's really important that the phantom of it has long preoccupied my mind.

I should have no burden now, all, I hope is, with my effort and result, (though I think I could have done much better.), an interview from either Oxford or Cambridge. This officially approves my effort and intelligence and will be the best consolation to my brother, parents, and myself. This means a lot to me. Then I can do my best, make the best use of my knowledge and intelligence to compete with the other candidates, and receive, honorably the judgement from the people with far more wisdom than me. That's what I hope now. 

Humiliation

An unexpected dine-out carried an unexpected news.

Each time when I desire to pour out my emotion and translate into words there is the brake resistance , since internally I am ashamed of unraveling my emotion in any form, including to a private diary. The thought of being contempted by myself after years halted me the way of recording my feelings. 

After learning this, my desire to get into Oxbridge grows more feverish. It is not healthy but I cant help it. 

The day before History.

The impetus of writing this daily stemmed the recall from future. Tomorrow morning will be the most difficult and important examination in my life; I am sure after many years when I read this again this must sound incredibly ridiculous. But I still have to say, tomorrow is an important and difficult day. For the very first time I persuade myself to be calm and confident. I've done everything I possibly can. 

Then wait and watch; No shame and no stigma. 

I wonder what will the question be; even I am equipped

to fight against this horrendous abysm

This is my last words, god bless me;

Pray sincerely am I now to-morrow will be the way of washing off the shame

Instead of walking toward another failure

just as what I have been doing for eighteen years

t'is poetic babbling I've just puzzled out was my first poem I write after

the trial of torment of literature lesson. 

Courage and dignity I wish I could, 

regardless of the result, shall be ours. 

Yet t'is no life. Respect from victory.

Again, God bless me. 

You work too hard.

I did not smoke today.

Mark made fun of me by saying you are one of few students I've met who work too hard. I said to me, you must be kidding. There's no such thing, for me, of working too hard. Meantime, a subtle sadness came across, if I were clever, why would I work like now? - NO If I could have a better guidance and education in infancy, I could have gone to party and still done well. But I can not. I am mediocre. Diligence is the pill for mediocre and, poor. If now I find a way, why not take it on? Even Cambridge, in reality, every day on the way school, I have no expectation or dream about the badge on the brown wall and knew it would be a pipe dream, I still sometimes, allow me, envisaged a chance. okay? 

I must give up smoking.

After almost two months of hard-work (It could still be better) I suddenly remember I've got a diary. Though I don't have much to say at this moment, I still want to write a few words about the flying weeks and months. I am happy about my growth and improvement in my self-control, to be sure, I can still be better. Until now I still rely on cigarette to de-stress myself, which was not a very good idea. I felt in this week, my health is deteriorating. I should drop it from this moment. Good luck on my exam. As usual when writing this diary, it is at the midnight that I feel rather drowsy so I cant write too much, my brain just isn't working. Good luck on my exam. May God bless me, if there is any. 

Stupid dream after all.

The exam is just a month ahead.

Tonight when I found out that I could not remember the poems I revised, all the poems I have spent loads of time to make and revise, the effort was in vain. I am simply too stupid to remember things, what is more, I found myself ridiculous, gosh, how come did I even dare to think of reading law, didn't I, you know, too self-assertive. Tonight I wake up from my dream, my unrealistic dream. I don't even think I would have a chance to secure three A star.

fourth of april.

Today my brain seemed not working I guess it must be the incessant exhaustion engendered in these few days. I am very unsatisfied with the progress I made.

In the evening I lost my focus for half an hour. I was depressed and frustrated and frightened. I imagined the happiness when gaining the admission to Cambridge, and the smiles from my parents. I blamed none but myself, for my incapability of studying well, my lack of intelligence. Whereas, the notion that my parents are working damn work and spending all their money on a not very clever son, plunged me into a very depressing and perplexing situation, positively speaking, this notion helps he press ahead, with a belief that one day I can prove to the people who despise me and my parents that their perception to us are nonsense. Only when I encourage myself thinking of this way, I regained the power to carry on my work.

I don't know what more I can say. Loads of work waiting for me tomorrow. Good luck and never give up.

A robot heart.

I am happy about the progress I made in these few days, but I am not satisfied (well I cannot be contented sadly.) I am now writing three essays a day and I hope I will be able to produce four. I feel myself a machine, producing amount of essays every day and consider eating and drinking the fuels to maintain my brain working properly. There is not a ouse of complacency in my heart, as I said, I will do everything I can to strive for a straight A Star result in AS. I am afraid also, at the same time, that, I will fail, but with my effort I believe I will make it.

The guilt sprout in my heart, after texting with Tamar. She is a really good person that she told me she wished everyone would do well in the upcoming exam. I rejoined the same thing she said - But did I mean it? anyway, I was moved by her kindness and therefore, promised to send her my politics revision notes to her. I am really depressed with my selfishness whilst clearly remembering my words in March that I wish we could get a altogether. There is indeed a long way to go, Ka Shek, to make yourself, a more rounded creature. Work hard.

Imagined Happiness.

I imagine the happiness whilst receiving a straight A AS report in August, this is what driving me to work every day, crazily. For what? For sense, no regret and washing off the shame and disgrace upon my parents and myself given our snobbery surroundings. For sensibility, for the future, for a better life, not only for myself, but my parents as well. It deserves a holiday, mentally imprison myself into studies. I will do it I know. University of Cambridge, I am not rich and clever, but I shall try my best to be at least eligible to challenge you. We will wait and watch.