A final rejection from London School of Economics came today, after over five months of waiting. I received the UCAS notification in the afternoon in my school computer room. Five applications to Cambridge, LSE, KCL, St Andrews and Birmingham, only St Andrews graciously offered me a place to read international relations. KCL is still considering my application at this moment, I assume.
I borrow a lighter from my Vietnamese roommates, take out a bag of cigarette which has been long deserted in my drawer, and walked out of my room. It was windy, gloomy and chilly, just as the BBC weather mentioned earlier on today. I lighted up a fag, blowed out a lungful of deep frustration and discontent, listening to Tiesto. As usual I started launching a self-question and conversation as I did the Cambridge relentlessly threw me out of their door. Am I not good enough? Looking at my classmates, schoolmates, alas, the comparison makes me suffer. The frustration, again does not come from the rejection itself, but my repeated failure to hold the helm on my fate, which was, I believe always, hinted, very much on my face. My narrow forehead, symbolized dearth of luck in my youth. How can this be? I work terribly hard, I am passionate about knowledge, I try to be kind to everyone around me, I help people as much as I can. In fact, in January exam, I got pretty good grades too. From Cambridge, LSE to my insurance Birmingham, they all say no to me - that's not the key. Cambridge did not invite me for an interview whilst my unkind classmate with lower grades got one. My classmate from China, who interest in everything except knowledge, got an offer from LSE. Nodar, though he did not get an interview from Cambridge, with his far-from-ideal grades, is offered a place to read economics at LSE and UCL. ME? fuck me, the only loser who is rejected by almost all university.
Am I being ungrateful for what I have? Of course not. As I say I am not frustrated because of the rejections themselves, but the system and the randomness, which are, so unfair and never ever in my side. And to my further agony, I have proved that I am able to be as intelligent as a LSE and Cambridge candidate with my academic attitude and result, but Cambridge did not even give me a slightest interest and chance for me to prove for intelligent, and, whereas LSE rejected me.
However, I have good faith in my attitude, my capability, my values, and my intelligence. It is their loss that they don't have me as a student. The fate is not very much in favour with me, it does not matter. It is just the beginning, I will never give up challenging myself, and all those clever capable people. Since I have confidence and faith in myself, I might lose this time, but I will come back after four years. With even more intelligence, wider knowledge, sharper critical thinking skills, same humble and curious heart to knowledge and people. This slight slip is not going to crumbled my will. I, Ng Ka Shek, swore with my honour, I will never give up until succeed.
Whether KCL accepted me or not, I hope I will have a more lucid understanding about the randomness and unfairness with detachment to accept the result, whatever it will be.
