Until something went terribly wrong, I hardly record anything.

I bought a fingernail clipper and Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy today in Waitrose. The cashier was the pretty girl my friend was so much fond of last year. I would really like to court for her, christ. But I don't want to bother because I am too selfish to give time to anyone right now. Though I am goddamn stress I think I dont need someone to sleep with and love to relax now, (God How can I say this.), I am afraid of too much trouble. So that's it.  Though intentionally I try to evade a heavy topic, it's obvious the most vital part now.

My plan
Finish my personal statement this week. finish HK PS by 20/10/2012

Sociology
Finish the Sociology unit three textbooks all chapters this week, finish the essay by Wednesday
Start reading extra Sociology reading material
Finish by the end of November
Runaway World

Globalization and Its Discontents

Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Survive: How Societies Choose to Fail or Suc... 

Ill Fares The Land: A Treatise On Our Present Discontents 

History
Set up History Essay A and B title by friday and finish reading by friday. Finish the essay by the end of october. 1500 words each. Long term and short term
Going to the Fitzwilliam Museum by October
Go the do the research in central library

Politics
Start practicing Politics Unit 3 past-papers.

Governing Britain Since 1945

The Cameron-Clegg Government: Coalition Politics in an Age of Austerity 

British Politics

Oxbridge Application
Finish my personal statement this week. finish HK PS by 20/10/2012
"In Defence of History" and "John Lanchester" and "Pablo Piscasso and Spanish Civil War" reading should be finished by the end of october
Select Economist every week

It has been a long time I haven't updated here. (Simply because I was having a nice time that there's no up and down during the summer, to my bliss.)

I don't want to record much about academic stuff here, but it's really important that the phantom of it has long preoccupied my mind.

I should have no burden now, all, I hope is, with my effort and result, (though I think I could have done much better.), an interview from either Oxford or Cambridge. This officially approves my effort and intelligence and will be the best consolation to my brother, parents, and myself. This means a lot to me. Then I can do my best, make the best use of my knowledge and intelligence to compete with the other candidates, and receive, honorably the judgement from the people with far more wisdom than me. That's what I hope now. 

Humiliation

An unexpected dine-out carried an unexpected news.

Each time when I desire to pour out my emotion and translate into words there is the brake resistance , since internally I am ashamed of unraveling my emotion in any form, including to a private diary. The thought of being contempted by myself after years halted me the way of recording my feelings. 

After learning this, my desire to get into Oxbridge grows more feverish. It is not healthy but I cant help it. 

The day before History.

The impetus of writing this daily stemmed the recall from future. Tomorrow morning will be the most difficult and important examination in my life; I am sure after many years when I read this again this must sound incredibly ridiculous. But I still have to say, tomorrow is an important and difficult day. For the very first time I persuade myself to be calm and confident. I've done everything I possibly can. 

Then wait and watch; No shame and no stigma. 

I wonder what will the question be; even I am equipped

to fight against this horrendous abysm

This is my last words, god bless me;

Pray sincerely am I now to-morrow will be the way of washing off the shame

Instead of walking toward another failure

just as what I have been doing for eighteen years

t'is poetic babbling I've just puzzled out was my first poem I write after

the trial of torment of literature lesson. 

Courage and dignity I wish I could, 

regardless of the result, shall be ours. 

Yet t'is no life. Respect from victory.

Again, God bless me. 

You work too hard.

I did not smoke today.

Mark made fun of me by saying you are one of few students I've met who work too hard. I said to me, you must be kidding. There's no such thing, for me, of working too hard. Meantime, a subtle sadness came across, if I were clever, why would I work like now? - NO If I could have a better guidance and education in infancy, I could have gone to party and still done well. But I can not. I am mediocre. Diligence is the pill for mediocre and, poor. If now I find a way, why not take it on? Even Cambridge, in reality, every day on the way school, I have no expectation or dream about the badge on the brown wall and knew it would be a pipe dream, I still sometimes, allow me, envisaged a chance. okay? 

I must give up smoking.

After almost two months of hard-work (It could still be better) I suddenly remember I've got a diary. Though I don't have much to say at this moment, I still want to write a few words about the flying weeks and months. I am happy about my growth and improvement in my self-control, to be sure, I can still be better. Until now I still rely on cigarette to de-stress myself, which was not a very good idea. I felt in this week, my health is deteriorating. I should drop it from this moment. Good luck on my exam. As usual when writing this diary, it is at the midnight that I feel rather drowsy so I cant write too much, my brain just isn't working. Good luck on my exam. May God bless me, if there is any. 

Stupid dream after all.

The exam is just a month ahead.

Tonight when I found out that I could not remember the poems I revised, all the poems I have spent loads of time to make and revise, the effort was in vain. I am simply too stupid to remember things, what is more, I found myself ridiculous, gosh, how come did I even dare to think of reading law, didn't I, you know, too self-assertive. Tonight I wake up from my dream, my unrealistic dream. I don't even think I would have a chance to secure three A star.