there are always quotas for how much one can write every day. 

if you are good looking - you may well be paid a closer attention by Muse, whose love are generous only with Casanova. 

Grumpy KS. 

a confession of a loser, again.

the cable car swinging slowly but rather steadily on the cloud, with a few people whom their face I can no longer remember, crawled on the route of the cloud. the train crushed the cable car into pieces. life and death is of a second and chances. I did not feel the pain, falling from the sky above cloud, my heart did not stop just as what I have heard. With a few indians, I touched on the soil of a jungle, People's teeth were ivory white, and their smile adorable, and swarthy skin mysterious. the rest I can't remember. I imagined so, now, I was looking for something. As usual there is no story, no point, no line, no people. This is not Kathmandu, I suggested myself quietly. Neither was this Switzerland. South Africa perhaps. A place where I've never been and know very little. It is five o clock now, I have not finished my essay which is due less than 24 hours.

Where the hell are you. there is no answer. Hide back into my mode, To be frank, I am just like anyone. Being serious about relationship is just a comfortable but lame excuse I can find for my failure and disability of attracting any girls. I am serious, I am just a fucking loser which has nothing to lose already, apart from my little piteous ego, which, does not worth a penny. Fuck me. ugliness is obviously a crime. no philosophy is going to defend that. we always do something different from what we say, after all, uh? 

LSE rejection.

A final rejection from London School of Economics came today, after over five months of waiting. I received the UCAS notification in the afternoon in my school computer room. Five applications to Cambridge, LSE, KCL, St Andrews and Birmingham, only St Andrews graciously offered me a place to read international relations. KCL is still considering my application at this moment, I assume. 

I borrow a lighter from my Vietnamese roommates, take out a bag of cigarette which has been long deserted in my drawer, and walked out of my room. It was windy, gloomy and chilly, just as the BBC weather mentioned earlier on today. I lighted up a fag, blowed out a lungful of deep frustration and discontent, listening to Tiesto. As usual I started launching a self-question and conversation as I did the Cambridge relentlessly threw me out of their door. Am I not good enough? Looking at my classmates, schoolmates, alas, the comparison makes me suffer. The frustration, again does not come from the rejection itself, but my repeated failure to hold the helm on my fate, which was, I believe always, hinted, very much on my face. My narrow forehead, symbolized dearth of luck in my youth. How can this be? I work terribly hard, I am passionate about knowledge, I try to be kind to everyone around me, I help people as much as I can. In fact, in January exam, I got pretty good grades too. From Cambridge, LSE to my insurance Birmingham, they all say no to me - that's not the key. Cambridge did not invite me for an interview whilst my unkind classmate with lower grades got one. My classmate from China, who interest in everything except knowledge, got an offer from LSE. Nodar, though he did not get an interview from Cambridge, with his far-from-ideal grades, is offered a place to read economics at LSE and UCL. ME? fuck me, the only loser who is rejected by almost all university.

Am I being ungrateful for what I have? Of course not. As I say I am not frustrated because of the rejections themselves, but the system and the randomness, which are, so unfair and never ever in my side. And to my further agony, I have proved that I am able to be as intelligent as a LSE and Cambridge candidate with my academic attitude and result, but Cambridge did not even give me a slightest interest and chance for me to prove for intelligent, and, whereas LSE rejected me. 

However, I have good faith in my attitude, my capability, my values, and my intelligence. It is their loss that they don't have me as a student. The fate is not very much in favour with me, it does not matter. It is just the beginning, I will never give up challenging myself, and all those clever capable people. Since I have confidence and faith in myself, I might lose this time, but I will come back after four years. With even more intelligence, wider knowledge, sharper critical thinking skills, same humble and curious heart to knowledge and people. This slight slip is not going to crumbled my will. I, Ng Ka Shek, swore with my honour, I will never give up until succeed. 

Whether KCL accepted me or not, I hope I will have a more lucid understanding about the randomness and unfairness with detachment to accept the result, whatever it will be. 

Listening to Johannes Brahms - Hungarian Dance 5, sitting on the window sill, looking up the starry night, lighting up a cigarette, was the celebration in my 19th birthday. Great.

Edward Gibbons - I was never less alone than while by myself.

Until something went terribly wrong, I hardly record anything.

I bought a fingernail clipper and Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy today in Waitrose. The cashier was the pretty girl my friend was so much fond of last year. I would really like to court for her, christ. But I don't want to bother because I am too selfish to give time to anyone right now. Though I am goddamn stress I think I dont need someone to sleep with and love to relax now, (God How can I say this.), I am afraid of too much trouble. So that's it.  Though intentionally I try to evade a heavy topic, it's obvious the most vital part now.

My plan
Finish my personal statement this week. finish HK PS by 20/10/2012

Sociology
Finish the Sociology unit three textbooks all chapters this week, finish the essay by Wednesday
Start reading extra Sociology reading material
Finish by the end of November
Runaway World

Globalization and Its Discontents

Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Survive: How Societies Choose to Fail or Suc... 

Ill Fares The Land: A Treatise On Our Present Discontents 

History
Set up History Essay A and B title by friday and finish reading by friday. Finish the essay by the end of october. 1500 words each. Long term and short term
Going to the Fitzwilliam Museum by October
Go the do the research in central library

Politics
Start practicing Politics Unit 3 past-papers.

Governing Britain Since 1945

The Cameron-Clegg Government: Coalition Politics in an Age of Austerity 

British Politics

Oxbridge Application
Finish my personal statement this week. finish HK PS by 20/10/2012
"In Defence of History" and "John Lanchester" and "Pablo Piscasso and Spanish Civil War" reading should be finished by the end of october
Select Economist every week

It has been a long time I haven't updated here. (Simply because I was having a nice time that there's no up and down during the summer, to my bliss.)

I don't want to record much about academic stuff here, but it's really important that the phantom of it has long preoccupied my mind.

I should have no burden now, all, I hope is, with my effort and result, (though I think I could have done much better.), an interview from either Oxford or Cambridge. This officially approves my effort and intelligence and will be the best consolation to my brother, parents, and myself. This means a lot to me. Then I can do my best, make the best use of my knowledge and intelligence to compete with the other candidates, and receive, honorably the judgement from the people with far more wisdom than me. That's what I hope now. 

Humiliation

An unexpected dine-out carried an unexpected news.

Each time when I desire to pour out my emotion and translate into words there is the brake resistance , since internally I am ashamed of unraveling my emotion in any form, including to a private diary. The thought of being contempted by myself after years halted me the way of recording my feelings. 

After learning this, my desire to get into Oxbridge grows more feverish. It is not healthy but I cant help it.