The day before History.

The impetus of writing this daily stemmed the recall from future. Tomorrow morning will be the most difficult and important examination in my life; I am sure after many years when I read this again this must sound incredibly ridiculous. But I still have to say, tomorrow is an important and difficult day. For the very first time I persuade myself to be calm and confident. I've done everything I possibly can. 

Then wait and watch; No shame and no stigma. 

I wonder what will the question be; even I am equipped

to fight against this horrendous abysm

This is my last words, god bless me;

Pray sincerely am I now to-morrow will be the way of washing off the shame

Instead of walking toward another failure

just as what I have been doing for eighteen years

t'is poetic babbling I've just puzzled out was my first poem I write after

the trial of torment of literature lesson. 

Courage and dignity I wish I could, 

regardless of the result, shall be ours. 

Yet t'is no life. Respect from victory.

Again, God bless me. 

You work too hard.

I did not smoke today.

Mark made fun of me by saying you are one of few students I've met who work too hard. I said to me, you must be kidding. There's no such thing, for me, of working too hard. Meantime, a subtle sadness came across, if I were clever, why would I work like now? - NO If I could have a better guidance and education in infancy, I could have gone to party and still done well. But I can not. I am mediocre. Diligence is the pill for mediocre and, poor. If now I find a way, why not take it on? Even Cambridge, in reality, every day on the way school, I have no expectation or dream about the badge on the brown wall and knew it would be a pipe dream, I still sometimes, allow me, envisaged a chance. okay? 

I must give up smoking.

After almost two months of hard-work (It could still be better) I suddenly remember I've got a diary. Though I don't have much to say at this moment, I still want to write a few words about the flying weeks and months. I am happy about my growth and improvement in my self-control, to be sure, I can still be better. Until now I still rely on cigarette to de-stress myself, which was not a very good idea. I felt in this week, my health is deteriorating. I should drop it from this moment. Good luck on my exam. As usual when writing this diary, it is at the midnight that I feel rather drowsy so I cant write too much, my brain just isn't working. Good luck on my exam. May God bless me, if there is any. 

Stupid dream after all.

The exam is just a month ahead.

Tonight when I found out that I could not remember the poems I revised, all the poems I have spent loads of time to make and revise, the effort was in vain. I am simply too stupid to remember things, what is more, I found myself ridiculous, gosh, how come did I even dare to think of reading law, didn't I, you know, too self-assertive. Tonight I wake up from my dream, my unrealistic dream. I don't even think I would have a chance to secure three A star.

fourth of april.

Today my brain seemed not working I guess it must be the incessant exhaustion engendered in these few days. I am very unsatisfied with the progress I made.

In the evening I lost my focus for half an hour. I was depressed and frustrated and frightened. I imagined the happiness when gaining the admission to Cambridge, and the smiles from my parents. I blamed none but myself, for my incapability of studying well, my lack of intelligence. Whereas, the notion that my parents are working damn work and spending all their money on a not very clever son, plunged me into a very depressing and perplexing situation, positively speaking, this notion helps he press ahead, with a belief that one day I can prove to the people who despise me and my parents that their perception to us are nonsense. Only when I encourage myself thinking of this way, I regained the power to carry on my work.

I don't know what more I can say. Loads of work waiting for me tomorrow. Good luck and never give up.

A robot heart.

I am happy about the progress I made in these few days, but I am not satisfied (well I cannot be contented sadly.) I am now writing three essays a day and I hope I will be able to produce four. I feel myself a machine, producing amount of essays every day and consider eating and drinking the fuels to maintain my brain working properly. There is not a ouse of complacency in my heart, as I said, I will do everything I can to strive for a straight A Star result in AS. I am afraid also, at the same time, that, I will fail, but with my effort I believe I will make it.

The guilt sprout in my heart, after texting with Tamar. She is a really good person that she told me she wished everyone would do well in the upcoming exam. I rejoined the same thing she said - But did I mean it? anyway, I was moved by her kindness and therefore, promised to send her my politics revision notes to her. I am really depressed with my selfishness whilst clearly remembering my words in March that I wish we could get a altogether. There is indeed a long way to go, Ka Shek, to make yourself, a more rounded creature. Work hard.

Imagined Happiness.

I imagine the happiness whilst receiving a straight A AS report in August, this is what driving me to work every day, crazily. For what? For sense, no regret and washing off the shame and disgrace upon my parents and myself given our snobbery surroundings. For sensibility, for the future, for a better life, not only for myself, but my parents as well. It deserves a holiday, mentally imprison myself into studies. I will do it I know. University of Cambridge, I am not rich and clever, but I shall try my best to be at least eligible to challenge you. We will wait and watch.