the reality is coming.

After going through the application form of Summerbridge today, I've figured out I was far too optimistic about my career. The chance of getting a stable job is minuscule.

The stress and strain occupied my mind and I think the road ahead of me is rocky and spiky. I have to reconsider the the impossible mission of going to Cambridge, which is the only safeguard to make a stable living and support my parents. It is hard, Ka Shek, but you must do everything you can and work as hard as you can to make sure you will at least be eligible for it...

It is time to begin the game.

I was defeated today.

I have spent most of my time on constructing a plan to defeat all my schoolmates in all the subjects. It was unlucky today but that should not be an excuse. I was late, but it will not change the fact that I can not outrank that russian girl today. No rush Ka Shek, you have to break the verdict and fate give by your father - you did once by luck. Now you have to continue.

Wash off the disgrace and despise.

The main reason why I like very much writing a diary, owned much to the my discretion to people. My surroundings, now are fraught with the people who do everything in the interest of themselves in the very first place. I have exhausted my words on the snobbery and sophistication they shown during these days. Judge one's by virtues please.

That's why I enjoy writing private diary. I can say everything I want to say. I don't have to be mindful of the others - well, I do have one or two good friends. They are good people. I enjoy talking to them as well. My identity is anonymous and unknown to the people who may incidentally browse through my diary. They are perhaps the most profound of my feelings and thought that could be possibly written and expressed by voices and words - well sometimes I prefer silence. In Muriel Spark's novel The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, she said "Speech is silver and silence is gold."I neither agree nor disagree to that, I just prefer to a more subtle way to live in front of people but the diary allows me to be unsubtle, perhaps in front of nought but blankness. Silence is a form of language. Meaningful words are language, and vice versa are noise. I hate noise.

Today I wasn't well and had a bit of blistering headache. Hideous as it was, I took a nap after school and woke up almost nine o'clock and didn't get much thing done. I start writing a revision notes on Politics and will continue it tomorrow. The first line of the notes are genuinely the reason driving me to Cambridge. "This is the last and first hurdle to Cambridge, because you simply can not afford to miss any one of those. Cherish the chance and wash off the disgrace and despise upon your parents from your surroundings. Prove that Ng Ka Shek can do better than they think." Again, I have to reiterate that I am never a clever person, I am mediocre student who seeks a peaceful and respectable and dignified place in this tumultuous world. His only wish is to help a lot of people - who deserve to be helped - as I can. But does everyone deserve to be helped? Would it be possible for us to enlighten everyone's seed of kindness hidden in their heart, if there's still any. Yes, there is, there is always heaven and hell in one's heart. We shall continue this topic next time.

Now work hard and good night:)

Easter Plan.

The exam in May will be the first hurdle in my life and final hurdle in AS. Therefore, I've constructed a plan to do everything I can, to achieve the best result.

Thank to the luck in the previous exam - thank you, I am now in a relatively privileged position. But I don't have one ounce of complacency - life goes on. The target is pure and clear: I must meet that. My classmates are staring at my back - my instinct told me that N is working around the clock right now - I know I am not as clever as she is - the last triumph was lucky. What I am going to do, is to do everything I possibly can to defeat her again and defend the fame and reputation of my parents. I will not allow my parents being jeered and looked down upon. The people who despised my parents will know that Ng Ka Shek is literally not that stupid - Well, he is not clever, I have to admit that. But he lives with dignity.

The Easter plan have been made. Thank you, I am grateful for everything what everyone does for me. It will be hard. Well, no one ever says it is easy after all; I will do it. Cambridge an illusion though, I will endeavor to at least be eligible for your interview. I know it sounds overbearing. We will wait and watch.

Please Judge a person not by one's beauty or intelligence but heart and virtues..

I phoned my father today, reminding him of the school fees.

I browsed through her picture moment ago, I can not understand how she could perform hypocrisy so real. No, perhaps I should not put it as hypocrisy, they are only survival skills. I should not feel a damn sick about it, because that's norm of the society.

I have to say, I simply cannot agree to her survival skills, okay? Of course it is her choice, but, forgive my cliche, we should not judge a person by how clever he or she is, but how kind and benevolent his or her heart is, and what values does he hold. That's what we should care about. I think I am not being double standard, well, I do read one's appearance. I believe that one's face tells us about his soul. But I will jump to the conclusion by his appearance only, since misjudgment is possible. I keep notice of her actions, her words, her behaviour. If she has good nature, I will not be wavered in leading her to the right way.

My father is right, we are the minority probably on this planet. The world will be better if we can treat everyone with our heart. Judging people by appearance, race, nation, culture, complexion and intelligence always leads us to misjudgment. It is not fair to the others, it is not fair of your heart.

Respect for virtues, not vocation.

I fancy a real practice of the sayings from James Stewart:"you should be kind to every person you meet." How brilliant would it be if it can be literally taken place. The thing is, at least, today I realized the only capability won me over respect and admiration. Don't misunderstand my meaning, I don't like these thought at all. I hope everyone can treat everyone kindly at the beginning, out of kindness and, well, courtesy. Because I really, don't agree to the idea that career and capacity are the only yardstick to judge a person, instead we should judge a person by his substance. Is he/she willing to help the others, is she responsible? That's what I care about. Of course I will not deny the fact that, appearance was the significant thing giving one's first impression. I am certainly affected by it. What I often reminded myself that I should understand further a person soul, that's should be the basis of our friends selection. That Russian girl shows unprecedented respect to me, I didn't feel really happy. to be frank, I will not put it as hypocrisy, one can argue that it is natural law and survival skills. But I truly believed that the world will be better if we can judge a person by not only his career and capability, but mainly his dignity and virtues. That's what we should do.

If we can get a good grade altogether.

I always think - I am just a mediocre stupid boring twerp who needs to work damn hard to fright for a hope of achieving good result even there is only a fat chance. Self-perception of myself is crap. The Politics result released today came to my entire surprise - I was not stupefied but shout and scream and running in the corridor, - I got almost full marks. 98%.

Well it hasn't changed much though, life goes on, and life is about difficult decision whatsoever, just as David Cameron said in PMQs yesterday. I was just lucky, I rejoined - whilst my friends congratulate me. At least I know I am not a complete crap. I can do something. But I don't have one ounce of complacency in my heart frankly speaking, though I told my parents that, I had defeated that extremely clever Russian girl N. I don't even feel happy about the fact that she was upset and disappointed at her result. Now, you know what? I wish we could get A together, yes altogether. I felt a bit sad when I saw her disappointed appearance. I am sure she will do well next time. and for me? Well, I got a piece of luck, so? life goes on and I will work harder, That's all. If everyone is happy about their result, I think I will be happier - and more worried about myself. I have to repeat again - I am just lucky. I will work hard.

The weather today was usually, good. It is a beautiful day.

About Hoi Yee Lau and Celine.

I wish she knew that I have never forgotten the picture she gave me. Most of the memories fade and fizzle out eventually along the river of time. What left on the shore of age, are the fragment of dialogues, images, and staccato words. They are imperfect, but special. What makes them special is perhaps our subconscious cling to the past, they might change your view on the world, or they can be just some trivial gossips and illogical stuff.

I really want to tell her that I’ve never forgotten about the past we spent together. Even I made a couple of girl friends after we bickered, your images, your mischievous smile and character, sporadically crossing my mind. After watching Before sunrise, Celine was reminiscent me of you. I wish I had someone like Celine in my life, and I think I did. You are the shadow of her, and left me with the shadow.

Eager for echo.

I often wish, one day, when I stop at the corner in Paris, Vienna or Prague, I would meet a girl who is clever, who has connection with my mind, who is rebellious, and sometimes, mild and cute. I will buy her a cocktail or cup of coffee, sitting along the . We would have an endless conversation about Sartre, Nietzsche, Van Hugh, Picasso, and wine, and life all day long.

Am I looking for sex? That might sounds shallow, though the very end of relationship between male and female always wind up with sex. But for me, I think, I am more of looking for a girl who have connection mentally, spiritually with individualistic character. Some one who understand and listen to me, and what's more, have echo and response to my mind.