Can we change the fact?

I've just figured out the usual offer from University of Hong Kong, LLB. It is a impossible mission. I mirrored myself. I know I am not clever enough to get into HKU, or Cambridge Law faculty. But that doesn't matter. There is a mild, and plausible, cogent and convincing voice whispering to me that I would eventually make it if I insist and work as best as I can, but I am afraid, you know, afraid of the words from Uncle Henry Lau, I simply don't believe my fate is doomed to be certain way. I think, if I work hard and be a good person, helping people as I possibly can, I could redeem my guilt and do better. At another point, I told myself when I was taking shower today, yes, my father is right, no matter how hard I work, I can never surpass that russian girl. It had the imprinted upon my mind hitherto. Today, I just told myself, and willing to nearly admit that, yes my father was right, I can never outmatch you, irrespective of how much effort I paid. Yet I have yet to forsaken the hope of defeating her; I have not give up entirely. It is a tough and ruthless naked fact, but can't the fact change!? We can change the future, Can't we change the fact?

give a direction without a destination.

I make myself a glass of Vodka Tonic and cook some instant noodle. I packed off the post. Three things there. Hope she will like it. Well, no difference to me anyway.

Spiritually latitude and physically slack, I mechanically read half of the Raj history and reread the Politics Heywood. Shit. Mark's words in these two days often broadcasted in my brain: "The people get into cambridge, they doze and get into it." I found it depressing - albeit I am not particularly now, having a destination. Law? History? Philosophy? Damn no idea. Okay, I have to confess that, one of the reason why I would like to read law is money - shame on myself. But to be frank I would really love to find a job which can make some real contribution and change of the underprivileged with my talent (Please "talent. Fuck me, where is my talent coming from and what the hell is my talent I got absolutely damn no idea.") - okay, then interest. And then - when it comes to the this phrase - I mirror myself. Whop. No hope at all. Mediocre is the first word emerging in my mind.

the little wooden gobbet.

Thinking of HY on bed. I want to tell her how I was sorry and grateful to her generosity to me. Last night I found the little wooden gobbet she gave me before I went to the UK. I wish I could have done something about the pain I brought upon her. Why didn't she reply me anymore? just because of her boy friend? May god help, I just want to make some compensation toward my guilt at my early age; she is a very good-hearted person. I simply can't believe she would just let me go. If there's a chance, I will unwaveringly contact her again.

Her voice and words still are swirling around my brain now, "At the very beginning I hate you, I hate you went away irresponsibly." But eventually, she forgives me. I wish could we could be friend. -- it didn't come out. We lost contact. Now HY, I know you will not have a chance, to read my words, but I really tell you that I want to see you again - there's nothing to do with love and whatsoever, I want to compensate, I want to thank you if god allows us to meet again. I wish you all very best in your HKDSE. -- try to get into university... although it would be a hard hurdle... then you'll have a better chance and shape a better off life... Why didn't come out? I could have help you with your english in summer. May be not a lot, may not not much, may be useless, but bestow me the chance.

Future and Format.

Her voice and the depressing music, accompanying me every single, solitude night. I don't even know, or remember who the singer was.

There is nothing to worry about. The future is elusive - just as what Edward Thomas describes in his poems usually. You can never tell what the future holds. Someone said (I can hardly remember his name): yes future, I've seen it, actually it is quite similar to present. To be more precise - future is encompassing our emotion toward uncertainty. It can be expectation and excitement, or hope and horror. It is an episode which has just yet to get under way on the stage of life. We are born to obsessed with the idea with future. Because future is generous, it graciously bestows us a boundless room to imagine, to create, albeit it is not material and tangible. It allows us to be a little god, writing our own page of genesis. I suppose that to be a perpetual charm and cheer of future, because there is everything in front of us, and there is nothing ahead of us. therefore, why bother it?

How about the past? I haven't had a idea yet. I will write it once I've an idea.

And one more question: do you believe that there is a pattern in human history?

A break and a plan.

After working for few hours, I gave myself a break. Chocolate on bread with a glass of Vodka Tonic.

I've set up a plan. I found that I was too pointless to finish the stuff in time. It is a tough plan, it would, I hope, get me into Law school. A couple of history essays weekly, brabrabra. Stick to the plan, and strive the the best result.

Reading "In defense of History"

Reading the "in defense of history" has overturned almost all my beliefs and values, the disorientation of the historian throughout past and present moves from the books to me. Fuck me. I can't figure out what the hell is happening around us. The world is too complicated to predict. I would love to give prediction. Reasoning is a problem. I wish I could be cleverer.

Rattling over the turning point.

The idea of reading law at university has been swirling in my mind after the conversation with papa. To be frank, I do think it is a rewarding job. It would be perfect if I can make a stable living, and helping the poor. I come from the underprivileged family too when I was small. I am thinking, lawyer has perhaps bigger power to make contribution and change for the poor, rather than being a teacher. Of course both are rewarding. But, if I read law at the university, I will have more choices, even if I would not want to be a lawyer, I can still be a teacher.

It spurs me working up my english literature well. I am miles behind the others. I have no good feeling upon this subject. But I must overcome it. I hate the cowardice of dodging the difficulty I can get over.

Good night.